Horrible parenting tbh. And their son reminds them everyday how they failed as parents so they’re just kicking him out.
I think I fall in the middle of this. I think this kid (and I think he is still a kid) had 38 years to transition to independence. But the same could be said about the parents. Why are they kicking him out now instead of after schooling? Now they are doing this almost cold turkey. Why not tell him he has until his birthday to stay paying rent. Then later impose more restrictions until ultimately sending him on his way.
I’m old so I feel it’s ridiculous for a 38 year old to still be living at home without substantially contributing. At the same time they let him do it and it’s kind of unfair allow it to get this far. He probably had a reasonable expectation of living with them until he or they died.
I know people like this. Knew a quite a few people from college who were only their parents payroll until 35. I am in my 40s and I still meet single women who are living with/off mom and dad at my age… but people generally dont’ judge women for that.
Basically it was just the arbitrary age at which they felt ‘adulthood’ should start. For me that was basically 18, for others it was mid 30s, for some people, it’s never.
And in my experience it’s largely a function of how much wealth people have, like wealthier folks give their kids way more runway because they can afford to support them for longer period of time with minimal impact to themselves.
In my demo it’s not living at home, it’s people who spend their 20s working low-age jobs but living high-wage lifestyle due to parents paying their rent and other major expenses. And usually when they do get cut off… they transition to a high paid job via another degree, or they get married.
Also there is the issue emotional co-dependence, some parts are just totally co-dependent on their kids emotionally and don’t want them to ever leave, etc.
A few people here mentioning this has happened to someone they know. Does anyone have any successful transition to independence stories for older adults? There’s someone in my family that I love, but that pretty much fits this description. Does anyone have advice on what helps?
Depends on how you define it. I knew a couple of guys who just grew up and did a boot camp and got programmer jobs, or took a job with their parent or friend of parents company. Also a few women, and one guy, who just married a wealthy spouse so they could continue to be moochers forever. One or two had their parents move out and give them the house while they did low-wage work.
I have never known anyone of the ‘basement dweller’ variety though, these are all wealthy folks from wealthy families who had tons of social connections. I met them in college/graduate school.
Also knew a couple of people who just never had a job and lived on poverty-income but from their inherited stock returns. They were into speed running games…
I’d start with making them understand that independence is good for everyone involved. Then small steps towards independence, starting with a simple part-time job. The important part here is that they see more people than just their direct family, to show them the different ways people can function in society.
If this works out, help them identify some personal goals. The hard part of being a shut-in is that you have no agency over your life, so you give up on all your goals. Once you have a little agency, you can start finding goals again. Simple ones at first: saving up some emergency funds, getting a driver’s license, making a weekend trip to get out of the house for a couple nights.
Also assuming they are classic shut-ins and not caretaker-type shut-ins: learning how to take care of the household, cooking, developing skills around the house. It’s low barrier to entry, they are already in the house after all.
Source: was a NEET for 5 years
With that CV?
Running on the assumption this is authentic and heterosexual, Anon’s parents massively dropped the ball creating an adult with no will to fly the coop. But then to cut them off cold turkey is totally fucked up. Anon is now permanently 15 years behind their peers. Not to mention zero retirement savings. That compounded interest takes 30-35 years to really start to matter. But Anon gets to miss out on 15 years of that, too.
I really hope things work out in the end.
Again, assuming this has any basis in reality, I think it’s likely that the parents have made many attempts to get the guy to change before and this is the last resort. They probably didn’t wait 38 years and then one day just decided “this is it”.
yeah, this is likely more a case of fighting/ignoring mom and dad and them finally bringing down the banhammer.
or maybe mom and dad want to fucking retire… god forbid! since if he is 38 they are most likely 65+
My wife’s cousin is in a similar situation. She never left home or got a job or a driver’s license because she was always too scared, and her mom always let that slide, since she didn’t want to make her daughter scared or uncomfortable.
She thought her job was to protect her daughter from all the stresses of the world until she was ready, but failed to understand that she won’t be ready until she’s experienced some of those stresses in a controlled environment like most kids do when they’re in their teens and their parents push them to get a job and a license.
It came from a place of kindness, but ended up being a major mistake that now both the kid and the parent are paying for.
I knew a girl who had been “homeschooled” by her super Christian mom. Thankfully, the indoctrination didn’t take, she was intelligent, but wasn’t given the education she deserved. Moreover, she developed anxiety and would take ages to leave the house for planned events. Turns out that by babying her and never pushing her boundaries, she never learned that critical inner-push that all of us who’ve ever woken up and been like, “Ughhh, I don’t want to go to school/work today” have spent years overcoming. That sense of, “Well, I’ve gotta do it, so let’s just get up and get it done” didn’t develop, as she was allowed to just stay in or sleep or whatever instead of learning to tolerate the discomfort.
It always bugged me when parents treat their offspring as if they’ll forever be children, instead of treating them as future adults. These stories are the inevitably outcome of that.
A big reason why the western idea of every single person should always leave home and start a new household is fucking retarded. Its not the right fit for everyone. Hell its objectively fucking stupid in the VAST majority of cases. Many do it any ways for various reasons. But the whole normality of it being “the only correct way to live” needs to fucking die.
And in these multi-generational homes what you see is the kids accepting the conditions based on them becoming the providers. I feel the comment is this is not happening.
Sure, but being independent is still an important general life skill. You can rely on other people under normal circumstances, and that’s certainly not a bad thing, but there will always be scenarios in life where you need to figure things out for yourself. If you’re paralyzed with anxiety when that happens, that means there’s a skill you unfortunately were unable to learn that is now causing an issue.
Even worse they raised a kid with no will to fly the coop AND they rejected a intergrated multigenerational house hold.
Most cultures on earth and for most of history you lived with your family your entire life, or moved to another house hold. To start a new household was abnormal.
So you either need to raise your kid to the new standard to want to stand on their own and start their own household. Or you embrace the old and stay together and create a multigenerational household.
To do neither is objectively abuse.
to cut them off cold turkey
How are you reading it that way?
Having to “beg dad for money when I want a pizza” doesn’t sound like someone being coddled, it sounds like someone who’s been told a thousand times to get a damn job and move out. Plus they’re not even kicking OOP out immediately, they’re giving them until their birthday.
I mean it is obviously fake, but still
This situation may sound ridiculous, but I’ve got a cousin over 40 in essentially the same position. Never worked a day in her and still lives with her parents. No one really knows what’s going to happen when they pass, but no one appears willing to let her live with them. Myself included. Not that i’vd be her first choice anyway. I live half way across the country.
Its not “cold turkey”, because hes had 15 years to work on it. If he hasn’t, then it’s kind of left over Turkey from last weeks thanks giving which has already been re-heated several times.
The best time to kick him out was 15 years ago. The second best time is now.
No point in saving. The climate is fucked and we will unironically die in the water wars.
I think this year’s summer really drove that home
Yeah time to kick him out was when he was 20ish +/- 1 year. Since you get a very good idea by that point if that adult is able to take care of himself. I have 3 people in my life (2 cousins, 1 family friend). Who are in that exact situation. I knew even when they were 20 that they’re not given the right skillet to ever be independent. And have no motivation to be independent on their own. Now they’re all in their 30s. I always their parents talking to my parents about how to make them independent and refuse to still cut them cold turkey.
I mean parents fucked up for sure, but it’s not too uncommon unfortunately. All I ever remind those parents is, I will not help someone who isn’t trying to help themselves. I’m not even close to them. But 2 out of 3 have tried asking me for money.
You’ll never make it without a good skillet
How’s the state pension over there? Here in the UK its pretty good, if you have paid off your house anyway. I would be richer than I am now from working if I had a pension but no mortgage.
If you also had to pay housing then it could be kinda rough, but I have lived alright on less.
State pension, in the US? A laughable concept. Best anon could hope for is Supplemental Security Income (SSI), a program for people who are disabled, are unable to work, and have never worked. There’s a lengthy application process involving clinical records of the disabling condition, not everyone who applies is approved, and the maximum benefit is about $950/month, relegating you to extreme poverty forever
It’s also worth mentioning that you have to reapply for disability benefits regularly, justifying yourself with several page paper forms every time. Even people with permanent disabilities have to reapply, as if the nerve damage from an accident or the congenital condition they were born with might suddenly go away. My girlfriend can’t write more than a few lines before the pain from her disability makes it too difficult, and they expect her to fill out what is practically a small pamphlet by hand every couple years. If it were at least a digital form, she could use speech-to-text to help her get through it, but as it stands she needs somebody else (last time it was me) to hand-write her answers.
The hoops the government puts out for disabled people to redeem benefits are straight-up cruel. They really want people to just give up, not apply at all, and… I dunno, just die, I guess?
I’m sorry your girlfriend is having to go through that. I gotta be honest, I’ve never heard of someone having to reapply for benefits unless their benefits were turned off, either due to incarceration or failure to utilize their money so it piled up in an account until they had too many assets and were disqualified from the program. Also, all the correspondence for this benefit is typed and printed, I’ve never heard of anyone having to hand write anything. This is in reference to SSI (Supplemental Security Income).
The government totally puts up all kinds of blocks to obtaining SSI though, most people genuinely cannot do it themselves due to the complexity of the process
£700/month without a mortgage to pay would be great. Its comparable to what I was earning from an apprenticeship when I first moved out once adjusted for inflation…
Sorry, you’re going to have to pay for housing too lol.
Oh, and if you work just a little, your benefit is decreased by the amount you earn, and if you earn more than $2500 in a year, the benefit is totally taken away.
So there is no incentive to get a part time job? Lol, what a dumb system.
It’s not dumb, it’s intentionally designed to hurt people
I’m from a culture where it is completely normal to live with your parents for essentially their entire lives. The issue is that as an immigrant family to a culture where it isn’t, makes me seem weird by comparison. I also have some of the worst luck there could be. My parents idea of success is to get a very good education, get a high paying job, support the family. There’s only one small problem. I fucking despise academia or academic institutions with all my soul. It took me 8 years to finish a 4 year degree and 4 years for a 2½ year masters. Additionally when I finished college, COVID hit hard and finiding a job was impossible since most companies stopped hiring. Now that I finish my masters we have the AI bubble and companies stopped hiring again. I never worked a real job my entire life, only research assistant, or student jobs. I have zero savings since those jobs barely pay above minimum wage. It fucking sucks. In any group I’m constantly the most educated looser there is. It makes you look repulsive to the point where I really hate talking about myself in person. I’d rather would have done an apprenticeship some 10 years ago and would have had a steady, less paying job, than this worthless engineering degree and zero real job experience. The issue is that now the cost of living is way to high to afford living on an apprenticeship salary for a few years, which is way below minimum wage. I spend essentially more than 20 years in non-stop education and it ground me down mentally to the point where I don’t even have motivation to keep on living. Literally, Fuck My Life. If anyone wants it, take it. Seriously, anybody, just put me down like a wounded animal.
Consider construction. They have unions, apprentices don’t get paid great but certainly better than minimum wage, and with some hands on experience you can go for a cert to do CAD and make real money
They’re always building something, and there’s a pipeline of moving from a trade into a CAD role - they tend to promote from inside due to unions, so it can be a kind of backdoor to avoid the mess of the application process right now
An engineer is an engineer, IDK what flavor you studied but I’m sure it’d give you a big leg up in getting into a CAD role
I’d rather would have done an apprenticeship some 10 years ago and would have had a steady, less paying job, than this worthless engineering degree and zero real job experience. The issue is that now the cost of living is way to high to afford living on an apprenticeship salary for a few years, which is way below minimum wage
Are you working using your engineering degree? You make it sound like you’re unemployed, so how is an apprenticeship salary worse than no salary? I don’t know where you’re located, but here in the US, there are many trade programs at community colleges that are very affordable and that could be accessed in the evenings even if you had a different full time job. Your engineering background being applied to a trade also puts you in a position to differentiate yourself in a few years once you’re independent. You should let go of what your parents want right now and start planning for your own future. What are you, about 36? It’s def not too late.
The cost of living for someone with a job can be higher than an unemployed person as they need to live where they can commute from, which can make things like living with parents or not having a car infeasible. If the job doesn’t pay well enough to cover this, then having no income leaves you better off.
In the short-term, maybe? But if you have the skills to be employed, you will be much better off over time starting to work somewhere. Having a job sets you up to obtain a better or higher paying role in the future
The long-term prospects are better, but if someone doesn’t have some kind of buffer like savings or the bank of mum and dad to cover the period where their earnings aren’t enough to break even, then the short-term problems make the long-term benefits impossible to actually reach.
They raised him like that!
This is child abuse.
Letting the guy sit around doing nothing for the last 15 years was the abuse.
I’m going to assume the issue started prior to age 23
Yes
Every time I see when of these stories I feel a little better that the one thing didn’t fuck up in life was helping my younger brother transition from dependent child to independent adult. It’s so easy to do it without breaking them but we lionize being cruel to young boys. As if cruelty is what grows them.
People which use the “age of maturity” as a excuse to be abusive to people and especially to their children are not the people you want to live with.
People blaming the parents are idiots. The parents were likely under 38 when they had him. How can one 38 year old be responsible for themselves AND another person, but the other 38 year old isn’t given even enough agency to be responsible for themselves. Maybe it’s all the grandparents fault because the parents were pressured to have children? How far do we have to go before anyone is responsible for their own actions at 38?
A 38 year old man is middle aged. Most high school kids are already more influenced by their peers than their parents. Once you’re an adult actual parental influence is almost nil if the child wants it to be. How do you get to 38 and not have any idea of how life works? How do you get to 38 and not realise this day is coming, how can you take zero steps to get your life together? Literally every human they’ve interacted with has provided an example of how to get your shit together!
How can you blame parents for the behaviour of a middle aged man? Do you realise how hostile it is to a person to completely remove their agency like this? As if they can’t control anything about their lives?!?
Most high school kids are already more influenced by their peers than their parents. Once you’re an adult actual parental influence is almost nil if the child wants it to be.
You’re talking about kids who wouldn’t become shut-ins anyway. If you’re bullied in high school and drop out at 16, the only “peer” influence is the trauma. Not that I experienced anything like that ;_;
You can blame the parents because they enabled this behavior and are actively supporting it. Its very common with drug or alcohol addiction. Just because someone is an adult does not mean they are doing everything by themselves.
Sounds like some seriously bad parenting. How do you not force your kid to get a job and pay for all their shit until 38. He doesn’t stand a chance being kicked out. Need to teach how to support yourself
It’s bad parenting alright. But I don’t believe that they’ve never made an effort before. More likely the guy has resisted any attempt to get him to be independent.
While the time from child to mid twenties is definitely the parent’s fault, after that point you can try every trick in the book it won’t achieve a thing. Once someone masters weaponized incompetence they basically need a life or death wake-up call to do anything about it, and even then they might still not learn anything.
No one’s literally impossible to reform, but many people cross a point that requires a practically impossible amount of investment to reform.
I’d assume that he has some kind of chronic illness (or several). If he didn’t at the start, he definitely developed one living like that.
Getting a job without a car is very difficult.
*in the US
Is it? Most people I know dont drive to their job
Getting a car without a job is very difficult.
Getting a difficult without a car is very job
Difficult car a getting very is job without a
Getting a very is job without a difficult car.
Without getting very difficult, a car is a job
A car is very difficult without getting a job.
Car very difficult is getting a without job
My son moved out for a couple of years, then had to move back in. I told him as long as I have roof over my head, he will too. I’d never kick my son out. I don’t understand how parents do that.
I’m 30 and have been back home since the start of last year, after having lived elsewhere for a decade.
Then traveled in autumn and got laid off at the start of the year in a sector (software) that’s experiencing talent excess. It’s basically impossible to get an interview, their reaction when I told them I’m moving back to the capital to get a bachelor of education is kind of wild. they’re both like, wouldn’t you like to stay a little longer?
I’m just like, guys I’ve been unemployed for half a year. Without any entrepreneurial ideas. I’m not about to start a company. I need to do something…
I mean 20 adult years and never having a job indicates some real problems. What they are is anyones guess but you’d think they could have managed to get something in those years that could at least buy pizza and games if not a bit of rent and a beater.
The parents probably feel like they’re out of options in terms of how to make him move in a positive direction and they are also running out of time as they are or reach retirement age, how can they afford themselves and him on a fixed income?
If he was 18, doing some sort of education/training, or just lost financial footing for a bit that’s one thing but whatever is going on there is something else.
I know I struggled after leaving school for a few years, but even then I still managed to get the occasional part time or irregular hours of work between periods of unemployment. That was living in a small town too. Then I got an apprenticeship and been fully employed ever since.
I’m in my 30s, back at my parents’ for the umpteenth time and I hate it but goddamn am I grateful.
Job markets never really recovered, this story will happen again. RIP Anon, we’re either stuck with what we got or we can’t get shit.
my last unemployment check just hit my account. Not even a single call back in 6 months. I’m scurred.
Have you tried strapping yourself up by your pullboots?
Or booting yourself up by your pullstraps?
These both sound unsafe
Fuck 'em. Add AI to the front of everything on your resume and apply at a startup.
I feel like if they could successfully bullshit like that, they wouldn’t be in that situation in the first place. Or they have some kind of health issue that makes it literally impossible to work any kind of job, even if they make it through the application process.
Have you shopped your resume around with friends or family? Or stripped identifying info and posted it here? Blind spots happen with resumes and a little outside perspective can help with targeting it to the job you want. Source: spent about 1.5 yrs talking about why I was good for the job I was leaving, not the job I wanted
