100% why there is a misconception that men only want sex. Part of it is true, another part is that’s the only physical intimacy they experience
This… really is the truth.
Many, many men… want to be able to be vulnerable, or cutesy, playful.
They want to be able to express their emotions.
They want to be able to be soft, vulnerable, silly, at least in private, with someone they trust.
But they are so often belittled and shamed for this… they often are not allowed to be soft, or are at least very much convinced by culture that softness is impossible, is weakness, is shameful, is not allowed.
Patriarchy, the constant performance and also broad expectation of tough-guy machismo… it harms men as well as women.
EDIT:
To be clear, I’m not saying ‘do this right away in a relationship’ or anything like that. You have your boundaries, they have theirs, and not all guys are the same, etc etc.
But maybe be open to it, and realize… the guy may not even realize that that is what he is lacking, may need some encouragement to soften a bit, and yeah, some guys might snap back at the suggestion, like a reflex, thinking you are insulting them, their identity via ‘manliness’.
Men can still be difficult, and shitty, no excusing that.
But… a lot of them do just have that inner child in there, that wants a hug, a shoulder to cry on.
What kind of women are people dating lol? Literally every one I’ve dated and almost all Ive slept with have been SO saccharine and physically affectionate??
He probably had an abusive family and never had a partner before.
My friend is Bi and really only dates men, women are too much these days apparently.
Its understandable, how will you emphatize with someone who basically represents all your suffering even if they specifically arent responsibke for it. I think this is why same-sex relationships often explore things that straight relationships dont.
God… I wish I had a boy to do this with…
And I wish I was a girl to do this with a boy…
Snugs are good.
fellas if she won’t let you cry in her shoulders in full embrace for hours in cathartic release of years of loneliness and trauma she’s not the one
Women are not there to take your trauma dumps. You can cry one your male friend’s shoulder too, and if you’re a man allow your male friends to cry on yours even encourage if you see they’re feeling bad. Be part of the solution, not the problem.
Given that that part seems to be about long term relationships I don’t see an issue with it. If you’re not willing to do that for your partner you’re not someone I’d want to be in a relationship with.
Though I agree that isn’t really the solution because it’s probably the one context where it actually happens with some frequency and it really needs to be more of a thing in just male friendships.
“I am emotionally unavailable, and spiteful about that.”
Thats what people see when you say this.
I mean… Chesterton’s Fence. Certainly there are some people who will be like “ew, gross, I don’t want a man to cry on my shoulder.” And that is their right.
But if you are a woman, then giving physical affection to the guy who desperately needs it will -not always… but enough for statistical significance - lead to the guy falling in love with you and/or trying to fuck you. And presuming they arent interested in the guy, which is often, they will then have to deal with that. Even ignoring the potential for retaliation for unrequited love, turning someone down - especially someone who is clearly in the middle of a rough patch - is, like, a whole thing. And so the mental calculus is clear: he might be miserable, but maintaining his current level of misery avoids both giving him false hope and her having to go through the emotionally taxing process of removing that false hope.
Also, women tend to already have emotional support systems. A women, say, going through a breakup will talk to her mom, her best friend from high school, her psychic, etc. If you reach out to support a man, however, you very often have just become his entire emotional support system after never having one before. Which can be, like, kind of a lot.
I hate how people act as if it’s women’s responsibility to deal with this. Most men will be more open to physical affection from women than other men, but that’s because they already see it as inherently sexual. They might be weirded out if I (openly gay, read as a cisgender man) offer them a hug, and they might even get violent, but it’s still a lot safer for me than someone they don’t read as a cisgender man. To act like women should be responsible for teaching men emotional skills is ludicrous. Try that with the wrong guy and now you’re in trouble. Even potential or actual romantic partners should be dealt with on a case by case basis, not as a blanket “women should do X” statement.
It’s baffling how people will always default to demanding women do something about it, and then someone will bolt in a “and men should also…” comment as an afterthought. I’ve never seen the opposite.
p.s: I accidentally replied to the wrong comment, deleted it and replied here.
I mean, my perspective is that I was providing explainations for an observed phenomenon. I wasn’t defending women so much as I was providing explainations for their actions as reasonably rational humans. And then everyone jumped in with fangs bared.
Personally, my thought is that assigning responsibility to a particular gender for this sort of work is a misdirection. Really, I think that assigning much blame to anyone at all here is something of a misdirection.
The majority of the responsibility, obviously, lives with the individual. It’s their life. Whatever other outside influences may be upon it, at the end of the day, they are the one living it, and no one else will be able or willing to do the hard work of solving their problems for them. But at the same time, I think that offering a blanket prescription like “just get your physical affection from men” isn’t going to be a perfect solution for all individuals for a number of reasons - it can be offered as a potential solution, but if it doesnt work for someone then it doesn’t work, and they simply need to figure something else out.
But some responsibility, also, should go to parents and families to teach the skills of getting these needs fulfilled for their sons.
Beyond the individual, however, I think the largest share of responsibility belongs to the government - not to mandate some kind of social interaction, but to create the physical spaces where the social connections necessary to create this social interaction can occur.
Imo, these are the only places where we can really say “this is your responsibility and you are failing at it.” Otoh, we can offer to individuals that they can help if they want to - community leaders could create social spaces to facilitate teaching grown men these skills and providing a space for them to get them met. Artists and musicians, who create the images of our society, could make public examples for men to follow. And individuals, male or female, could choose to reach out to specific men in their lives.
But the post literally says “romantic” which implies that you’re interested in them, nobody is asking you to play therapist for dudes you don’t like the idea is to allow them to be vulnerable in your relationship. For what it’s worth I’ve never had issues with this in my own relationships or with my male friends but then again I run in very specific circles it seems. I don’t get why everything has to pass some test of cost-benefit these days, I’ve been people’s sole support system before and while it was rough I wouldn’t have gone back and let them continue to be miserable just to avoid “kind of a lot”.
At the end of the day it’s the culture that did this. Some of that love has to come from people you’re not attracted to, otherwise you get mixed motives like what you’re describing. Toxic masculinity is called that for a reason, right? Women already know how to love and support each other. They shouldn’t be expected to bear the burden created by an ailing culture of male loneliness.
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…so guys: man up, and give your bros physical affection. Be the chest they cry on.
Unironically yes
Okay so that’s what happened with my coworker
