I’ll start: if they have hobbies it’s a green flag for sure, doubly so if their hobbies are outlets for creativity.
Having the same sence of humor proved crucial for me, next to loving pets. I dated someone once and when she asked why I asked her I told her I liked older women. She was 3 days older. (And not amused)
I felt totally comfortable with a girl I met at a forum meeting we started seeing each other more. She had pets and the same sence of humor. She’s my wife for 14y now, we have loads of pets. On my birthday I get gifted a younger wife, on her birthday she’s rescued from an old man. She’s 6 months younger.
There’s nothing worse than having somebody reply deadpan serious to something you thought was an obvious joke. Kills the mood for both parties.
Green flags:
Their smile.
Their obvious kindness.
Their big heart.
They make you laugh.
They drive.
They ask you to drive.
They have friends that you like.
Your friends like them.
They read novels.
The play a musical instrument.
They speak another language.
They can ride a bike faster than you can and you think you’re kind of hot shot about that.
They openly tell you that some of your habits are unsavory. You know they are. How courageous of them to mention it.
They like you anyway.
They can make chocolate chip cookies from memory and do like for no reason.
You like their family.
They don’t like your family but then again neither do you.
34 years later the two of you not only love one another but find things to like about one another every single day.
Being nice to waitstaff/receptionists/cashiers/etc, even if there’s an issue.
You can be annoyed at the situation, sure. But being nice to the employee shows you know that 99% of the time the problem is not their fault and 100% of the time yelling won’t solve anything.
I have some extended family who does this. They’re not good people.
They have emotional support. It can be friends, therapy, groups, or bare minimum some personal resources that they can access if things get rough. It’s impossible to be someone’s only support. They will drag you down with them.
To add to that- they have a positive and receptive view of therapy.
1. The person says “I don’t know” fairly often. It shows that the person is not quick to draw conclusions, based on little to no information; this is gold, it means avoiding a lot of personal drama where they could blame you for things that they assume that you did.
2. They’re generally on the same page about common acquaintances as you.
“Hey hon, what do you want for dinner?”
I don’t know.
“Well, should we go out or cook?”
I don’t know.
“Did you know you’re annoying as fuck?”
I don’t know.
That’s different. I’m talking about avoiding to rush towards certainty, not lack of opinion/preference.
That said, “I don’t know… it’s too late to buy groceries, but we got a frozen lasagna, there are some vegs in the fridge, and I could whip some fried chicken if you want. What do you want?” sounds perfect for me. So the issue here isn’t the “I don’t know”, it’s the lack of input.
[Dunno if you were speaking seriously or joking. If joking, sorry for the serious answer.]
Very much joking
They have friends who are not the same gender/sexual orientation as they are. (good indicator they are accepting of people dissimilar to them)
The read for pleasure.
That comes to mind now:
- Tries not to argue and start fights but rather tries to understand and cooperate with constructive criticism
- Speaks up her mind if something is on the matter that has anything to do with me
- Loves cuddling and sex
- Enjoys at least some of the things I do and joins in
- Shares at least some of the things she does
- Offers support when wished for/needed
The same things I either do already or try to do.
This is a good list. And a lot more meaningful and effective than “likes the same things I like”
It is so close to accurate to say “they accept you at your worst,” but we all know the toxic “if you can’t accept me at my worst…” Kinda people.
Id say it’s more like
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History of self advocacy and/or intolerance for their own mistreatment
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They accept or at least make an effort to understand you when you’re at your low points.
These two together kind of ensure no issues fester or arise in a manner such that they’re not dealt with.
It’s a bit off-side, but another sad part of this quote is that it actually sounds reasonable in the original context:
I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.
Marilyn Monroe went out of her way to list what she considered her “worst”, that is in direct contradiction with the “best” (that everyone could see) from her public persona. She’s saying “Here’s my worst; you know my best. If you don’t accept me for who I am, you don’t deserve that sex symbol that I built”.
It’s a fair cry from how people often use this quote, where they justify making your life a living Hell under the promise of some “best” that you’re never going to see.
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The biggest green flag is that you like being around them and you miss them when they’re not there. I know that seems kinda obvious and a weird thing to say, but hear me out. Sometimes people get invested into a relationship, and don’t even realize that they don’t like spending time with their partner. Wanting to be around them, like actually longing for their company, is a green flag.
I had two friends who used to frequent what was said to be the local debate club. It was the only thing they had in common when they first met, now they’re married. People often see what seems like a complete lack of consensus (for a lack of a better word) between them and they think “wow, are they really going to survive the New Year”. But they show a huge green flag isn’t how synchronized two people are but rather how accepting one is to a shortage of synchronization. There are people who don’t realize this and one issue ruins everything.
Feminism. And general recognition of the struggles of minority people
For me: good critical thinking skills, empathy, in touch with their emotions and loves reading books.
Compatibility:
- Political Leaning
- Individuals Rights
- Children
- truthfulness/openness
If any of those don’t look solid green to you out of the gate, it’s an absolute no-go. They don’t have to be one way or another, but if you can’t openly and comfortably agree on those things, you’re pretty screwed eventually.
Leftist political ideals, people who like cats, having similar sense of humor to me
I definitely agree with the hobby bit. I’ve talked to plenty of people that don’t have any hobbies or any passion for anything and they are just so soul draining to be around. I find with these folks you cannot have a good conversation with, either they don’t know about the topic, or any topic or they only answer in one or two word responses. They are just a black hole of any excitement or energy.
Ugh, this one hurts to read. I have plenty of hobbies and interests, but for whatever reason it feels so painful and awkward to discuss them with people i’m not already decently acquainted with, so it probably comes across as you describe to many folks.
Probably not, to be like the people I mentioned and met you almost have to try to be as disinterested as possible. If you say more than just 1 or 2 words when talking to somebody you’re already a lot better.
