Egg cracked towards the end of last year. At the time I thought “hey I’ve lived my whole life like this, if I need to boymode for some reason it’ll be fine right?”
I’m still pre hrt and have a buzz cut so it’s not like I’m super fem right now, but more and more I’ve been wearing what I want to wear: skirts or cute women’s trousers, jewellery, makeup etc. At the very least I’m not going to be mistaken for a cis boy when I leave the house like this.
The feeling of dressing the way I want had been so freeing, the feeling of being seen, especially by queer folks, as something other than a cis man, and the chance to catch sight of myself in a reflection and like what I see. All of that has changed something in me.
Now when I dress in my old clothes in spaces where I feel like I can’t be myself, it makes me want to scream, it’s unbearable. I can’t even imagine being the person that looked like this every day. It’s so strange that so much can change just by changing your perception of yourself.
The positive side is that 3 months ago, my biggest fear in the world was that I was somehow faking, not really trans, and that all the joy I felt was some mistake or something. That “imposter syndrome” would sneak in if I accidentally went a few hours without feeling dysphoric, and my brain would go “see look, you’re cis silly”.
It’s getting pretty hard to maintain that delusion when dressing like a man makes me want to puke. So, even though this seems like a sad post, I’m actually happy. I know who I am. I just need to finish coming out professionally and with older family so I don’t have to pretend to be a man any more.
Really wanted to just get that feeling out of my head. Thanks dear ones.
it’s so bad… 💔🫂
I haven’t had any time to myself this week to care or dress the way I need to… it’s been boy boy boy BOY 24/7 GRRRHH LET ME OUT
Sending love. I hope you get some safe time soon.
I feel like I’m about to be in a similar place soon.
My egg just cracked after boymoding without much issue for 35 years. I’m initially feeling great but also having moments of doubt.
Anxious but excited to work through it, “imposter syndrome” and all. I hope for the best in your journey too.
Also, 38 years for me. Welcome sister.
♡
Alo Johnston likes to say that imposter syndrome is so common in trans folks that it might as well be listed as a “symptom” of gender dysphoria. Wishing you the best too. <3
I am getting the same way, although it’s probably less intense since my egg only cracked fairly recently…
I have spent so much on women’s clothing the last week and a half, I want to go out looking cute and wearing what I want, but I live with transphobes who would kick me out if they knew, so every day they’re awake and I come home, I have to keep a pair of sweat pants and a baggy shirt because I don’t want to take off my bra, my underwear, or even my leggings/tights/jeans just to walk 50 ft past windows, inside, and to the door that separates the sections of the house…
I haven’t gone out to places where I know someone my family knows might be, and definitely not in crowded stores yet, but walking around downtown in small stores, parks, bars with other trans friends… I’ve been loving it. I want to dress how I want 24/7 without the stupid self-conscious feelings related to not looking like how I feel and not sounding how I want.
At least while home I can stay in my own areas and wear all the cute things I’ve been getting lately. still haven’t found shoes that fit, and I don’t want to order online for footwear but that’s neither here nor there…
I definitely feel what you’re going through, boymode sucks ass, but talking about it definitely helps me, so if you need to vent about anything, we are all here to listen!
You got this girl, you can kick dysphoria’s ass!
I’m so sorry about your situation, I’m really lucky to have supportive friends and family. Thanks for being here!
Thank you for sharing! I’m yet to try girlmoding in public and was curious how that might feel. Though I can’t describe why, your post somehow feels encouraging to me. The most important thing is that you’re happy and can be yourself. You’ve got this!
Do you want to talk about why those other spaces make you feel like you can’t be yourself?
Do you want to talk about why those other spaces make you feel like you can’t be yourself?
There’s a long answer that I will probably have to figure out in therapy. The really short version is that there are some people in my life who I don’t want to have the conversation with, who’s reaction I can’t trust and who don’t deserve my emotional energy to walk them through it. But I’m somewhat tied up with them professionally so I can’t just not have contact with them.
That being said, I did just end up dressing femme (even went on stage at a big industry event!) and it was fine. So a lot of it was in my head. I didn’t have to come out to my colleagues, I just showed up looking cute and let them think whatever it was that they thought. Nobody addressed it to me. I did get deadnamed a lot but I can’t blame anyone because I didn’t make my name change known to anyone.
I think the only reason boymoding hasn’t been level 10 suck for me, only 7 or 8, is because I work in trades and I wear clothes I don’t give 2 shits about destroying for work exclusively, so boy clothes. Just recently, I finally came out to the last person I felt I needed to actually tell instead of just letting them find out through the grapevine, and it is honsetly the most freeing thing ever!
Congratulations on that milestone!
Congrats on getting all the big coming outs done! I hope they’ve been good and you’ve been supported and loved.
This is so wonderful, I can’t believe how quickly you were able to leave the house!!! I’m sorry the dysphoria is so strong when you’re required to boymode, I haven’t been able to girlmode all week. It’s bearable for me, visualization helps alot, I’m dying to get home, take a bath, shave my legs, and put on a skirt. You are an inspiration to us all, and I can’t wait to be able to girlmode around my friends and eventually in public.
Thank you for sharing!
Nissa you’re so sweet! I’m in a fairly progressive city, not that I haven’t had a bunch of transphobic shit shouted at me, but I can also count on there being safe places full of queers, punks, skaters, goths etc, so if I felt really unsafe I know what spots to run to.
I know you’re in a very different sort of place so the safety risks for you are different. I know you’re going to love being yourself with your friends but don’t feel like you should compare timelines or anything, all our situations are different. <3
Oh get it, I’m feeling the same right now. I’m boymoding for work and I’m feeling not great about it. It reflects my old self and shows me how close I am still to my old self physically. Of course brainwoms makes it harder, there are somes changes with hrt, and I’ve changed the way I wear my “boy” clothes, my mimics, my voice but still…
Makes me feel like I was looking to a photo pre-transition.
Ugh it sucks. Thank you for sharing, it’s honestly so validating sometimes just to hear “I have a similar experience” from someone.
