Egg cracked towards the end of last year. At the time I thought “hey I’ve lived my whole life like this, if I need to boymode for some reason it’ll be fine right?”

I’m still pre hrt and have a buzz cut so it’s not like I’m super fem right now, but more and more I’ve been wearing what I want to wear: skirts or cute women’s trousers, jewellery, makeup etc. At the very least I’m not going to be mistaken for a cis boy when I leave the house like this.

The feeling of dressing the way I want had been so freeing, the feeling of being seen, especially by queer folks, as something other than a cis man, and the chance to catch sight of myself in a reflection and like what I see. All of that has changed something in me.

Now when I dress in my old clothes in spaces where I feel like I can’t be myself, it makes me want to scream, it’s unbearable. I can’t even imagine being the person that looked like this every day. It’s so strange that so much can change just by changing your perception of yourself.

The positive side is that 3 months ago, my biggest fear in the world was that I was somehow faking, not really trans, and that all the joy I felt was some mistake or something. That “imposter syndrome” would sneak in if I accidentally went a few hours without feeling dysphoric, and my brain would go “see look, you’re cis silly”.

It’s getting pretty hard to maintain that delusion when dressing like a man makes me want to puke. So, even though this seems like a sad post, I’m actually happy. I know who I am. I just need to finish coming out professionally and with older family so I don’t have to pretend to be a man any more.

Really wanted to just get that feeling out of my head. Thanks dear ones.

  • Domi@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
    6·
    4 days ago

    Do you want to talk about why those other spaces make you feel like you can’t be yourself?

    There’s a long answer that I will probably have to figure out in therapy. The really short version is that there are some people in my life who I don’t want to have the conversation with, who’s reaction I can’t trust and who don’t deserve my emotional energy to walk them through it. But I’m somewhat tied up with them professionally so I can’t just not have contact with them.

    That being said, I did just end up dressing femme (even went on stage at a big industry event!) and it was fine. So a lot of it was in my head. I didn’t have to come out to my colleagues, I just showed up looking cute and let them think whatever it was that they thought. Nobody addressed it to me. I did get deadnamed a lot but I can’t blame anyone because I didn’t make my name change known to anyone.