i cracked my egg a couple years ago and have been on hormones for over a year now, but i still havent been able to come out to my parents. ive had a coming out text saved in my phone for months at this point but i havent been able to send it. every time i think about trying i get this horrible sinking feeling like no matter how well i write it, how clear i am, how gently i tell them, no matter what its going to go badly.

as for why, theres lots of reasons. theyre republicans and religious, while im pretty far left and an anti-religion atheist. they were authoritarian when i was growing up and loved to use shame and punishment (both physical and emotional) to pressure me into doing what they wanted. they never listened to me when i was a kid and treated me like i was their property rather than a person who they were responsible for caring for. it always felt like they just wanted me to be a perfect little emotionless robot who did whatever they wanted. im not doing the pain of being their child justice here at all. its honestly hard to describe how bad it was, just like a constant low level psychological torture. after i moved out i got a girlfriend and brought her to visit for the holidays a couple times, but they wouldnt even let us sleep in the same room even though we were living together… like they couldnt even accept premarital sex from their (presumed) neurotypical cishet son, how tf are they going to accept a trans fem poly lesbian neurodivergent daughter? they acted so disappointed and concerned when i showed up with a couple piercings… wtf are they going to do when i show up with boobs?

im really worried that even if i can bring myself to tell them theyll use the same tactics they did when i was a kid. more than anything i dont want to suffer their attempts to talk me out of it, to suggest theres something wrong with me, to suggest im somehow wrong or brainwashed or something. i worry theyll parrot fox news talking points at me which amount to transphobic propaganda. theyve done that for years on other topics like climate change. i doubt even if i can get past all that theyll ever gender me correctly or call me by my chosen name if i ever decide to change it.

so yeah im thinking about going no contact, just cutting them off entirely. i kept thinking i should at least try to come out to them, give them one final chance to show me they arent the horrible people they showed me they were my whole life, but over the months of trying to work myself up to telling them ive come to the conclusion it might not even be worth the attempt. we barely have a relationship at all right now, just one or two short phone calls a year i kinda just suffer through. its coming up on two years since i visited them, and they live literally thousands of miles away. it would be so easy to just never see or talk to them again and theres literally nothing i want from them at this point.

i guess this is more of a rambling vent post than anything. maybe part of me wants someone to give me permission to finally be done with them, but i know i only need my own permission. something keeps holding me back. i guess the societal conditioning runs deep… ugh anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk.

  • Snowcat@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    3·
    3 days ago

    Oh how dearly and mercilessly we despise those who dare cause distress upon the cuties of this land.

    Firstly–

    i guess this is more of a rambling vent post than anything. maybe part of me wants someone to give me permission to finally be done with them, but i know i only need my own permission. something keeps holding me back. i guess the societal conditioning runs deep… ugh anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk.

    Whatever is or is not the reason, purpose, objective, type, or whatnot regarding the post, it is a valid one, and most importantly, you are valid, to hell(or better yet, away from it so I do not have to see such terrible people) with those Cultists.

    Onto the contents of the post itself:

    every time i think about trying i get this horrible sinking feeling like no matter how well i write it, how clear i am, how gently i tell them, no matter what its going to go badly.

    Dearie, others have posited similar–If you feel as though it will, then they have zero right to know to begin with. Them missing out on their lovely daughter because of their ignorance and spite can burn.

    theyre republicans and religious

    Oh boy, the greatest combination a hypocrite could ever aspire to be. Gross.

    they were authoritarian when i was growing up and loved to use shame and punishment (both physical and emotional) to pressure me into doing what they wanted. they never listened to me when i was a kid and treated me like i was their property rather than a person who they were responsible for caring for. it always felt like they just wanted me to be a perfect little emotionless robot who did whatever they wanted.

    Story time if you will spare me a second of archive–I worked alongside an individual once. We sparred many times but nonetheless we saw each other as equal proletariats(and fucked over all the same). One thing he said contextualized a lot, in the raw, honest, detestable hatred that spewed out of his mouth, saying that he would disown his kid if they ended up trans. He wanted his child to be exactly one thing and one thing only, as he viewed his children as his property(something he also had said prior). You are likely not far off-base in thinking that your parents might be in a similar vein.

    i doubt even if i can get past all that theyll ever gender me correctly or call me by my chosen name if i ever decide to change it.

    If they fail the basic test of decency and can do nothing more than continue to try to brainwash you with tired drivel and deny you who you are, then they do not deserve you. And if you believe they will fail that test, they do not deserve your attempt at extending them a reed they would rather paw away.

    so yeah im thinking about going no contact, just cutting them off entirely. i kept thinking i should at least try to come out to them, give them one final chance to show me they arent the horrible people they showed me they were my whole life, but over the months of trying to work myself up to telling them ive come to the conclusion it might not even be worth the attempt. we barely have a relationship at all right now, just one or two short phone calls a year i kinda just suffer through. its coming up on two years since i visited them, and they live literally thousands of miles away. it would be so easy to just never see or talk to them again and theres literally nothing i want from them at this point.

    You are well within your rights to cut off your bloodline, and need nobody’s permission so to do. Bloodlines can choose to build a connection that transcends this mortal coil, or they can poison the well so that there is no more connection between those sharing it than an analysis nominally concluding a connection.

    Let not a single soul dare try to tell you that bloodline’s are some magical inviolable link that must always be preserved. What needs preservation is Family, and Family is found; not taught, not forced, not decreed, but found. If the bloodline fails you, then they are the failures. And they are nothing more than a memory to be severed.

    Whatever you decide, know that there are many of us in similar camps with our own bloodlines. You are not alone. You have a Family, you do not need rusted, rotted, decayed tools that perpetuate abuse.