I had the same mindset as your wife for 15 years. I just started on ADHD meds yesterday. My entire life is transformed. My anxiety about doing tasks doesn’t exist anymore. I have more energy to get things done. My emotional noise is zero. I was an idiot for 15 years.

Don’t let her rob you of daily life unburdened. If she can’t understand that ADHD means your brain is physically structured differently, then she’s not very respectful of your or your well-being.

Hey, OP here. Thank you all for your advice. Many of you give great advice that I will take into consideration. I decided to make this single comment to address everyone rather than respond individually to comments. Despite what my original post might insinuate, my wife isn’t a terrible person. She’s a very wonderful and sweet person. We have a great relationship the vast majority of the time. It’s just that the topic of my ADHD meds is a sticking point. Much of this is informed by her religious background and worldview in addition to her experiences of childhood lupus and the baggage that it came with.

With that said, I’m going to take action over my own health, as many of you have said. I’m going to take my meds again. I want to change my life for the better and she’s going to have to respect it. Once she realizes that it’s going to help me get my life back together (and, by extension, improve our lives together), she might come to terms with my neurodivergent condition.

Thank you all, once again, for the advice and any new advice that might come after I post this comment!

Advice? Couples counseling. If that doesn’t work, divorce. Your health should not be under scrutiny from someone who thinks it’s “all in your head.” This is one of those molehills that will become an insurmountable mountain.

You are being abused. Get your meds.

“You just need to focus naturally”, “It’s all in your head”, “Doctors are only in it for themselves”

What if you struggled to see? Would she try to talk you out of glasses?

I’m sorry that you are in this position. She shouldn’t be controlling you like this. I’d recommend doing some level of couples counseling, this isn’t really an issue with your medication but your right to control your own body and life.

She refuses to let you get meds? This is extremely controlling behavior which sounds very concerning. You deserve bodily autonomy. If your wife were a man, this would immediately be called abuse.

I agree with the other comments saying to get counseling and not take your meds in secret.

As someone not part of the ADHD community and just stopping by from browsing, I gotta say: your health is your right. The only reason your wife should have any say in something like this is if it has in the past it put her in danger or caused significant issues with your marriage like: “well, last time you took your meds you had awful mood swings that were hard for me to understand and deal with”, or “last time you took your meds you almost got fired, putting our financial safety at risk”, etc. etc. If there is no history of something like this deeply affecting her, than your health is your right and you should get your meds if you and your doctor feel it would help.

You do not want to be in a relationship where you have to hide things. Trust me. Take your meds. Your wife can get on board with it, or not. Her choice.

My wife was always fine with me taking meds but we had some fierce arguments about the fact that our oldest child also has ADHD. She just didn’t want to accept it for some reason. Right up until said child started expressing suicidal thoughts. At that point, all I could say was, “Look, we can either let her keep going down the same path I went down at that age or we can get her the help she needs.” Wife got on board pretty quickly after that.

I get not understanding what’s it like to have ADHD. That’s fair. But to basically trash a major part of your lived experience because they themselves haven’t lived takes some incredible arrogance.

If they made you change significantly in a way that affected your relationship I would see her point of view, but as it stands she sounds like a ADHD healthcare negationist.

No shit it’s all in your head, that doesn’t mean you don’t need help! Meds are help!

My wife, however, refuses to let me get my meds.

She doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy. Which is pretty much the most basic human right.
Don’t take your meds in secret. Take them in front of her and stand up for yourself. That is only your decision, she has absolutely no basis for challenging you on that.
If that leads to conflict, that is a conflict you need to have, and not back down on.
She doesn’t own you.

First of all, fuck her. Not in the nice way. She has clearly shown she is not your partner but an active enemy. If she does this to your face, just imagine what she is capable of behind your back. No counseling will help. This is basic human decency, which she clearly lacks. Don’t give her the chance to harm you even worse. Run.

Your wife doesn’t get to decide that, you do: This sounds dysfunctional AF.

Two points I hope help you:

My personal belief is not the same as your wife but similar: As a long time ADHD adult, I’ve come to believe ADHD is a societal problem not a mental illness. It is a version of humaness. This is my experience and I don’t expect others to accept it. But, there is a psychological concept that if you remove societal pressure to “be” a certain way, and you are allowed to be you and the suffering is alleviated, its not mental illness.

That being said, you are a grown adult who is allowed to decide what you need. Your wife is being borderline abusive if she is using those actual words and threatening consequences. If you believe this is your best option, put your foot down, thank her for her opinion and say you’re doing what’s best for you and ultimately it is your own choice. Be prepared to be met with threatened consequences if that’s a thing, and try to have the courage to say something like “Threatening me is not acceptable, and I’d like you to work on that issue. If you are unwilling to try and see things differently and this is not something you can live with, let’s talk in a healthy way.”

Another small note: I wouldn’t even bring up that you’re trying to improve her life. You have the right to improve your own life and experience and that’s enough. Including her in that opens the door for her to say “I don’t want you to do that for me.” which is not relevant in this case as long as there has been no history of side effects of the meds causing problems for those around you.

I mean, I don’t know whether that is a concern of your wife, but I’ll share the story anyway.

I kind of lost a friend over his changed personality with taking meds. Before, our mutual understanding came from not experiencing the world like others around us. It felt like a deep friendship.

Since he takes his meds that understanding faded away, so did the friendship. When I talk about my still ongoing struggles he does not understand anymore.

I made this a topic, he understands, but he feels better in his life. So at least, it became a deliberate choice for him. It makes me sad, because I lost an ally in finding society strange, but I am happy for him, that he enjoys life more now 👍.

Divorce her.