Mike Tyson is more than a man. He could’ve entered the ring in a frilly pink skirt with a lollipop sticking out of his ass and he would have still been terrifying.

Being in school was wild when that happened. My school banned baggy pants over night and required us to carry clear backpacks. We weren’t allowed to carry more than the book we needed for the next class, and cameras went up.

I was overheard telling a friend (jokingly) that I was going to kill myself if I had to take another timed test. Police showed up soon after and handcuffed me. Some girl overheard me and swore I said I was going to kill other people. Luckily one of the officers was from my neighborhood and believed me, but I was still suspended and he drove me home.

You know what really sucks though? All these years later and people are still terrified. Last week I woke up a few minutes after my teenage daughter got on the bus, my wife said, “Maybe you should go get her. Someone has threatened to shoot up the school.” I drove over and got her, fortunately the officer guarding the door just let her leave with me and was understanding. A day later and another threat hits. Someone says they’re going to shoot up the pep rally. I didn’t send her to school. Two unexcused absences in one week at the beginning of the school year over that shit.

She did online school last year and it was a nightmare, but I’m all over the place on that right now. I want her to be able to make friends and things. It wasn’t healthy for her last year. I only did that because her mom had recently died and I wanted to give her a break from everything.

I guess some kids thought it would be funny to do that last week. I just wish no one had to take them seriously.

I swear, I was standing outside having a smoke and bitching to my wife about how your comment was driving me insane. “Babe, I’m thinking it was Tucker, but all I can come up with is Tucker Carlson and, well, we both know that isn’t…MAX. It’s fucking TUCKER MAX!!! That’s it! I know that’s it!”

Haha, I swear I was going insane. It was on the tip of my tongue.

The relief I felt, oh my god!

Went further than “made fun of him”. They legit called on people to harass him and threaten his girlfriend with rape.

I guess it depends on where you get your info. We’ll see what happens eventually.

TUCKER MAX! Holy shit this has been driving me crazy. It just came to me out of nowhere. That’s who wrote it. I could be wrong but I don’t think so. The level of relief I feel makes me confident enough to make this comment before I go digging.

Edit:

I can’t find the story, but we both have a good memory because it’s clear he built his career from that one.

All of them be trying to charge us to be alive. If my landlord could come up with a good enough reason to charge me to breathe, he’d put it on the invoice.

Watch the clip. If dude’s name had been Bob and not Nicky it wouldn’t have happened.

Still though, your point stands and it’s still one of the funniest, most awkward moments caught on video. :p

I always assumed he rubbed them on his pits. Now that you ask, maybe he carried them around or something.

I bought one of the Maddox tshirts back in the day. When I moved, someone broke into my house and stole my clothes.

I was at work a few weeks later when an old junkie came in wearing my Maddox tshirt. I said, “Cool shirt man.” He replied, “Well, I ain’t a communist, I just wear whatever I can get at the thrift store.” I replied, “You mean whatever you stole from my house, right? That isn’t a communist shirt, it’s a dude who writes comedy on the internet.”

He swore he didn’t steal it. Mine was the only one I ever seen.

He has a YouTube channel these days.

I never got bored with him haha.

His wasn’t the Astro glide story, but he did link to that site on his page. I can’t remember that dude’s name though.

It was a great story.

Haha, god I loved doing this on Counter-Strike. “Did you guys hear about the hidden tit pics in counter strike? No shit, hold alt and press f4 and it shows the best tits I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how game developers get away with this stuff.”

Half the lobby is gone, the other half is laughing.

Oh yeah, you had that pic just hanging around on your phone. I’m guessing 20s.

Dude, I know you’ve heard it a thousand times, but I was 22 yesterday, no shit.

Man I miss being young. Even with the horrible taste of expired fire extinguisher I’d bet this is a favorite memory. :)

I don’t know why, but this reminded me of one of the absolute worst moments of my life.

I was bullied as a kid, and when middle school hit I wasn’t keen on dressing out for gym in front of those bullies. My gym teacher was probably the biggest dick on planet earth and every three days he’d suspend me for three days for not dressing out. I was suspended for most of 6th grade.

My mom had had enough and threatened me, “I swear to you, if you get suspended one more time over a zero in gym class I will throw your Nintendo 64 in the creek. I mean it!”

Guess what my dumb ass did? I left my gym clothes at home. I was fucking desperate and I went around begging everyone I knew, “can I please borrow your gym clothes?” I finally managed to trade a copy of Donkey Kong Country and 10 dollars for a copy of Extreme G and as a bonus I could borrow dude’s gym clothes.

He handed them to me in a plastic grocery bag and I raced off to gym class. That big, tall, bald bastard of a gym teacher said, “I guess it’s time for your suspension, eh Grassman?” “No sir, I’m dressing out!”(He called me Grassman because I forgot my flag football things and used big giant blades of grass).

I ran back to the boys locker room and slid those clothes from the bag. Oh. My. God!

The smell of axe body spray, ass, and armpits hit me like a ton of bricks. I powered through it, put on the nasty ass shirt, and vomited in my mouth. I just couldn’t bring myself to put the shorts on. I was nearly in tears because I knew I was doomed. I put my clothes back on and I could still smell it on me. I walked out and tried to explain it to the asshole. Nope. Suspended.

I really did think my mom was going to throw my N64 in the creek. She didn’t, thank goodness. Instead she got really pissed and called the school. When I got back I was called to the office and the principal asked me to explain why I had been suspended so many times. He then called Mr. Bald asshole into the office and let him have it for suspending me so many times over not dressing out. “You are denying this young man an education entirely because of gym?” I’d love to have been a fly on the wall after he sent me to class.

I happily took my zeros after that and slept on the bleachers. 1st period was my nap period.

I will never forget that smell though. I can still smell it, seriously. It hit me so hard that 28 years later, I can still smell it. Gah.

I worked with a dude who used crystals instead of deodorant. He was a very talented musician so he was still always hanging with a beautiful woman. I loved his music but I couldn’t stand to be around him.

He had the personality of a dude who uses crystals for deo too.

You know what bums me out? The solutions in place currently make the problem better for one group and worse for another.

My uncle is a landlord. He recently realized that he could increase the rent by 40% because that’s what HUD will pay.

So if you have HUD, you don’t notice the increase. If you don’t, enjoy the 40% increase.

I’m just an idiot who is angry for some people I don’t know. Fuck this world. Fuck profit chasing. Fuck landlords.

Oh no, the only computer that is working right now is the one that keeps us alive.

Our heart rates increased because we were terrified for like, 7 minutes. Ok, 2 minutes, I’m sorry! Fine! 30 seconds. We’ve been stuck up here for so long. It isn’t my fault. You can secretly get yours, mines leaves evidence!

My car has a clutch. My wife can’t drive it. It’s exhausting when something goes wrong with her car.