I think you’re doing great OP! Rule #1 in every boss’ playbook is to make you feel like you’re always behind and always underperforming to squeeze every ounce of extra labor they can from you, as if stealing your surplus value wasn’t already enough.
Once, I was given a week to do a project that would’ve normally taken double the time. But I was so afraid of appearing incompetent, especially because all the higher-ups will act as if it’s no big deal and that these are normal expectations for anyone in the industry. Pulled multiple allnighters and delivered the project within a week. For a second I was shocked when they said they were surprised with how quickly I finished the project when I thought I’d just barely made the deadline, but then it became clear: these expectations are all bullshit. You can probably guess what my reward was foe being such a good little worker: higher expectations (and no change in pay).
Anyway long story short, feeling dumb and behind is exactly how they want you to feel all the time. If that’s what you’re feeling, frankly that’s exactly where you need to be. I’ve fallen for this guilt tripping too many times where I sacrifice my own sanity, health and self esteem trying to appease demands because they have you convinced you’re terrrible at what you do. Think about it: if you felt like you were one of the best at what you do, you would demand better pay, better hours, more respect. This is exactly what they engineer against.
Of course, these feelings of incompetency are hars to reason with when they convince you you’re worthless, so I have a trick for dealing with it; might help you too: thinking to yourself “ok, self, let’s say you’re right. You conned your way into this job and have no idea what you’re doing. Fucking brilliant! You’re the EXPERT and getting away with it! Even though you don’t know what’s going on, while others are busting they’re asses for peanuts, you’re in the same position as them just because of your excellent skill at getting away with it! Let’s see what else you can get away with!” Make it into a personal game into seeing how far you can stretch it with slick bullshitting and doing the bare minimum but it seem like you did a lot. (This is what salespeople mean when they say they’re “rejection oriented” – you make the goal in your head not the closing the deal, or in this case whatever goal your boss told you, but instead how far you can go before getting a rejection). And guess what? This whole economy runs on so much hot air that your boss will literally appreciate you more for this mindset: you’ll be acting like one of them now.
Not an answer, just reminded me of