Hey everyone, first time posting. Hoping there are others with similar
experiences who can share insight, but at minimum I want to put my thoughts
down. I [29MtF] am pre-everything, but have accepted I am trans for the last 4
years with the understanding I would never transition. Continuing to live as a
man in spite of myself seemed realistic. My dysphoria was never really that bad,
so even though the idea of being a woman was amazing, I could always push it
aside easily and continue with my life. Sure, I would have bad days where
dysphoria would get me down, thinking things like: “Why can’t I look like her?
Why does it have to be such a big deal if I want to transition? Why would so
many people hate me for being who I want to be?” But as always, these times
would come and go. I could grin and bear it, pressing on to another day. My wife
of 6 years is fantastic. I love her more than the day we were married, and we
have a child on the way. In the past, I have been open with her about my general
preference towards femininity. While she accepts this and loves me for it, I
have never properly told her I think of myself as transgender. She and I both
come from a background where being trans is considered wrong, and I know she
still thinks that even though we are both supporting and accepting of our LGBTQ+
friends. In the last year, one of my closest childhood friends told me he was
gay. He and I regularly get drinks together, and mostly tell each other
everything. When he came out to me, I told him I was trans. We have both been
able to support each other, mostly as confidants while he deals with backlash
from his family. I wish I could tell my wife as easily as I told my friend, but
obviously that has more potential consequences. The more time passes with me
accepting who I am inside, the more natural it becomes to think of myself that
way. This unfortunately has made dysphoria a more frequent and intense
experience. Additionally, there have been a handful of incredibly euphoric
experiences I have had in the last year. My wife and I cosplayed a lesbian
couple at a con this summer, which was the first time I dressed femme in public.
Also, with my wife’s pregnancy, I have been wearing some of her maternity
clothes (shorts, sweatpants) around the house since those fit me surprisingly
well. (Also justice for all of my hoodies she has claimed over the years) I know
for certain that transitioning would sever ties with almost all of my family and
friends. Further, my wife would have a difficult time deciding what our future
together would look like, assuming it continued at all. Despite her open
mindedness, our shared religious beliefs would ultimately inform the outcome. I
wish it wasn’t so hard to keep pretending. I’m just so tired.
Link to my first post. When we were sharing our new year’s resolutions with each other earlier this month, I told her I want to he more true to myself, and more honest with her. I told her she deserves that, and that I love her.
We have talked about having “a conversation” soon. For us, we understand this to mean at least 2-3 hours where we sit down intending to talk without being interrupted. Time has continued to get away from us as we are settling into being parents as well with a 2 month old.
We have each made mentions of, “the conversation”, and how we haven’t forgotten, just haven’t had the right moment yet.
Girls, I am just so proud of myself for taking this step. Even though nothing has really happened yet, it feels like more has happened in the last month than in my entire life.
Do you think that somehow being a trans woman makes you ineligible to be a parent as well? That a partner transitioning is always going to put some kind of unrecoverable hurdle in a relationship?
I’m fully supportive of people coming out and being more open and honest to themselves.
No shit? The fear of causing friction is the entire reason the OP posted this in the first place. The act of coming out to your partner is difficult and may cause issues yes, but to pretend it’s going to immediately and ALWAYS ruin your relationship/marriage is asinine.
And even if it does ruin your existing relationship, living as yourself is always preferable to hiding your true self for the sake of a relationship where you act out a role.
Ideally, this would have been better to discuss before kids
Ideally OP would have transitioned at the earliest possible moment in her life, arguing over windows of opportunity is pointless.
If OP continues to repress and her mental health drops further because of it, that’s going to affect her relationship as well. OP seems to feel that this is a good moment to come out to her wife, so I’m going to side with her over some unrelated cis people.
Here’s a suggestion: take your suggestion and shove it.
You clearly don’t understand how taxing it is to stay closeted, 5 years of repression is a hell of a time and if OP is at her limit where she NEEDS to say something, then she needs to say it. It’s not as if this kid just popped into existence out of nowhere. If OP feels this is the right time, I’m going to trust her over what some performative ally has to say.
OP’s wife has the right to not want to continue their relationship once OP comes out to them.
Nobody has said otherwise. You and the other person are the only ones assuming this.
OP has chosen to wait to come out until after having a child with their wife, and wishes to do so well before she’s recovered from the traumas of pregnancy.
I guess I must have missed the part of the trans agenda where we’re only allowed to be trans during times that are convenient for others.
You don’t see how that’s a little selfish and even feels a little like trying to “trap” their wife?
Do I really have to address this? Do you seriously not understand how absurd this statement is? HEY OP NEXT TIME YOU ‘CHOOSE’ TO BE TRANS, FIGURE YOUR SHIT OUT BEFORE GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP.
Did I say anywhere in my comment that a trans-parent couldnt parent a kid? What the fuck are YOU talking about?
Your wife is still recovering from having a child, and being parents is already a HUGE life transition. You didn’t even give her the option of being able to walk away, instead you’ve saddled her with something that will permanently anchor you two together for better or for worse.
You said this as if OP isn’t going to help parent their child.
It’d be one thing if they had this conversation before having a child, but OP didn’t.
No no, you’re right, OP should just shut up and stayed closeted forever.
He’s
She’s*
known about it for years (see his
her*
previous post), and instead of either a.) Opening up to her prior to getting pregnant, or b.) putting off getting pregnant until he
she*
Did I say anywhere in my comment that a trans-parent couldnt parent a kid? What the fuck are YOU talking about
btw lmao
was sure about it, he
she*
instead decided to continue hiding it and robbing her of any sort of choice in the matter.
yeah fuck you OP, stay in the closet.
Just because I’m not okay with robbing someone’s spouse of any sense of agency and choice in whether they want to continue to have kids with this person (i.e. baby trapping someone), doesn’t mean I don’t support people coming out and transitioning, so you can climb all the fucking way off my back on that one. OP still needs to be honest with her about it, but she’s 2 months post birth. What she needs right now is stability.
What is this narrative that having a kid with a trans person is ROBBING someone of agency?
Did I say anywhere in my comment that a trans-parent couldnt parent a kid? What the fuck are YOU talking about?
again lmao
My wife would have had a meltdown if there wasn’t Mac and cheese in the house at 2 months post pregnancy, I can’t even begin of imagine the levels of chaos that would be introduced at this point post-pregnancy.
A trans person transitioning isn’t the burden of other people, fuck off with that noise. It doesn’t take much effort at all to support your spouse in transitioning, and OP can continue to be a good spouse and parent while transitioning.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I read through your other comments as well. Thankfully, my wife is in a very solid place at the moment. I was able to take the first 2 months off work to help raise our child, and we made sure to make financial arrangements where she could take extended time off work before returning to her career. We haven’t had any sort of “Mac and Cheese” moments like you mentioned. A big part of why I haven’t already told her anything is because I wanted to be sure she felt secure and comfortable when we had this conversation.
Another thing I’d like to add is that having a child was a very difficult decision for me. Obviously it’s a big deal for both of us, but she actually wanted a child. When she and I were dating, we agreed not to have children. About a year into our marriage, she changed her mind. We talked about it for years, and eventually we agreed to be a one-and-done family. I wanted her to be happy; I didn’t want to deprive her of a child. Furthermore, I realised I would rather have her in my life with a child, than no child without her. She never gave me such an ultimatum, but I never wanted to get close to something like that. I certainly don’t think I have “saddled” her in the way that word implies.
About this conversation we are planning to have. I do expect it to go well. I am not certain, but I expect it to. Part of the reason is I am not sitting her down to say, “this is how things are, deal with it.” Like the rest of our relationship, we will have an open dialogue about what works best for us. I have made many sacrifices for her over the years, and I will happily make many more. She has done and will continue to do the same for me, even if it doesn’t necessarily look the way I would hope it to. That is the nature of compromise.
If all that comes from this is that she knows about my dysphoria and the daily struggle it is for me so that I can confide in her about it, that’s okay. Even better if she is fully supportive, but I want to continue having a relationship where we share our strengths and weaknesses with each other. This is the one piece of me that hasn’t been shared.
If this makes me sound like an asshole, then I don’t know what to say. Hope you continue having a nice day.
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What the fuck are you talking about?
Do you think that somehow being a trans woman makes you ineligible to be a parent as well? That a partner transitioning is always going to put some kind of unrecoverable hurdle in a relationship?
No you aren’t. Fuck off LMFAO.
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No shit? The fear of causing friction is the entire reason the OP posted this in the first place. The act of coming out to your partner is difficult and may cause issues yes, but to pretend it’s going to immediately and ALWAYS ruin your relationship/marriage is asinine.
And even if it does ruin your existing relationship, living as yourself is always preferable to hiding your true self for the sake of a relationship where you act out a role.
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Ideally OP would have transitioned at the earliest possible moment in her life, arguing over windows of opportunity is pointless.
If OP continues to repress and her mental health drops further because of it, that’s going to affect her relationship as well. OP seems to feel that this is a good moment to come out to her wife, so I’m going to side with her over some unrelated cis people.
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Here’s a suggestion: take your suggestion and shove it.
You clearly don’t understand how taxing it is to stay closeted, 5 years of repression is a hell of a time and if OP is at her limit where she NEEDS to say something, then she needs to say it. It’s not as if this kid just popped into existence out of nowhere. If OP feels this is the right time, I’m going to trust her over what some performative ally has to say.
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Nobody has said otherwise. You and the other person are the only ones assuming this.
I guess I must have missed the part of the trans agenda where we’re only allowed to be trans during times that are convenient for others.
Do I really have to address this? Do you seriously not understand how absurd this statement is? HEY OP NEXT TIME YOU ‘CHOOSE’ TO BE TRANS, FIGURE YOUR SHIT OUT BEFORE GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP.
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You said this as if OP isn’t going to help parent their child.
No no, you’re right, OP should just shut up and stayed closeted forever.
She’s*
her*
she*
btw lmao
she*
yeah fuck you OP, stay in the closet.
What is this narrative that having a kid with a trans person is ROBBING someone of agency?
again lmao
A trans person transitioning isn’t the burden of other people, fuck off with that noise. It doesn’t take much effort at all to support your spouse in transitioning, and OP can continue to be a good spouse and parent while transitioning.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I read through your other comments as well. Thankfully, my wife is in a very solid place at the moment. I was able to take the first 2 months off work to help raise our child, and we made sure to make financial arrangements where she could take extended time off work before returning to her career. We haven’t had any sort of “Mac and Cheese” moments like you mentioned. A big part of why I haven’t already told her anything is because I wanted to be sure she felt secure and comfortable when we had this conversation.
Another thing I’d like to add is that having a child was a very difficult decision for me. Obviously it’s a big deal for both of us, but she actually wanted a child. When she and I were dating, we agreed not to have children. About a year into our marriage, she changed her mind. We talked about it for years, and eventually we agreed to be a one-and-done family. I wanted her to be happy; I didn’t want to deprive her of a child. Furthermore, I realised I would rather have her in my life with a child, than no child without her. She never gave me such an ultimatum, but I never wanted to get close to something like that. I certainly don’t think I have “saddled” her in the way that word implies.
About this conversation we are planning to have. I do expect it to go well. I am not certain, but I expect it to. Part of the reason is I am not sitting her down to say, “this is how things are, deal with it.” Like the rest of our relationship, we will have an open dialogue about what works best for us. I have made many sacrifices for her over the years, and I will happily make many more. She has done and will continue to do the same for me, even if it doesn’t necessarily look the way I would hope it to. That is the nature of compromise.
If all that comes from this is that she knows about my dysphoria and the daily struggle it is for me so that I can confide in her about it, that’s okay. Even better if she is fully supportive, but I want to continue having a relationship where we share our strengths and weaknesses with each other. This is the one piece of me that hasn’t been shared.
If this makes me sound like an asshole, then I don’t know what to say. Hope you continue having a nice day.