I can relate to a lot of your post, and I will be forthcoming in that I am also in a major transition of my life that’s been mentally difficult. I can also relate to your fear and discomfort. How it plays out for me is that I have a fear of trying new things, getting attached, having them taken away, and then blamed for it as if there were something inherently wrong with me that must be punished through limited access, shaming, or ostracization. I wish people were more accepting of different perspectives and ideas as long as they were respectful, but it seems that the majority of the world uses shortcuts that don’t apply well to assessing autistic character. It’s confusing and frustrating to me.

Before combating them, I think it’s important to validate them first. They probably served a helpful purpose at some point. What do you think that was? Where did they come from? Are they still true now? Be compassionate with yourself through this process! After all, you’re trying your best, and we all make mistakes. What helps me is to journal my ideas, let them sit for a while, then re-read it as if someone I cared about was telling me that. I tend to be quite understanding and compassionate with myself that way. It also helps me with self-awareness.

After that, consider how you can test them out in a safe way so that you could slowly integrate into new settings that you would find enjoyable. Maybe, once you consider how those ideas helped you, you could review them for common factors, then search for places that don’t necessarily have those common factors. For example, if you liked paddleboarding but found the waves in the ocean too distracting, you could test out paddleboarding in a lake. Or, perhaps if you found dance classes were great at meeting new people, but didn’t like the dating feel of it, you could test out taking an art class. Both engage in art, but the latter has less of a romantic feel to it. And regardless, assume most of these will not succeed at being the best, but that’s the point. You’re testing things out to see which ones feel right and which ones you can cross off of your list. In this fashion, even “failures” are successes.

Another autistic trait to consider is getting highly involved with a topic/hobby: what is commonly referred to as a special interest. We can get obsessive about a topic and let it overrun our lives. Yet, if the thing is taken away, we might feel lost without it. I don’t know a clear solution to this because I really like being able to engage in something so deeply, almost as if it creates a sense of purpose, but the loss is equally terrible. Some ideas that come up to help remedy this is to develop a diversity of interests that aren’t dependent on each other. So, if your paddle board breaks, you can still go to the art classes. Also, no matter what happens with the art classes, you will still have all your paintings and skills that you acquired throughout the experience. Another remedy would be to create a list of signs that things are starting to go poorly ahead of time. So if you start noticing that your paddle board is starting to break, you can take steps to solve the issue before it becomes detrimental, whether that be fixing the paddle board or testing out a new hobby. If the students in the art class start breaking up into cliques and you get a sense of antagonism, you can try getting closer to your paddle board buddies in the meantime while also considering a new art class. The point is to not be left empty-handed and in despair, which is quite a difficult position to get out of and a general displeasure.

The last thing that I have noticed helps me a lot is to get support from others. I like to run ideas by people to see what they think so that I can avoid making major mistakes. I tend to have this pattern where I will go 100% on something, really work out tons of details, and be really happy with the product, only to realize that there was a major flaw in the process. A simple example of this could be getting groceries. I will review everything I have at home, make a list of everything I need, prepare the list so that it is categorized by aisle and I don’t get overwhelmed when shopping, and have a system for selecting the specific brand and size when presented with multiple options. I’ll be so proud of this system and put it into effect. I will go to the cashier, happy with my accomplishment, pay for the groceries, and then leave…leaving all of the groceries until I get in the car and realize I left it all. While it’s silly, I think it illustrates my point well, lol. Anyway, I like to run ideas by people to see what they think and if they have any suggestions or concerns that I might not have considered, such as being distracted and leaving the groceries behind (I’ve only done this like ~10 times). This helps me avoid unnecessary hardship and feel confident in my plan. If you’re looking for a place where you can talk to other autistic people, I think our Matrix chat room might be a good start. Come on in, say hi, get a feel for the place, and join the conversations! Everyone has been pretty welcoming and respectful.

I hope my essay helps! I didn’t mean for it to be this long, but I guess I got into it. 😜 fart noise