I am 23 and I am currently in the dating scene. I’ve had no success and I’ve had the fourth person lose all interest in between setting up the date and the long wait between the date. It typically goes match on dating site, set up date, try to get to know each other over snap and then interest lost. I do tend to respond quickly but it’s not like I am constantly spamming or shit like that. I am just tired. It’s such a dumb minor thing but it seems to be destroying my chances. I am on the autism spectrum and I find texting and shit like that extremely stressful. I know no one is actually going to like past that. Divergence is punished must stick to strict social rules around dating fuck being my actual self I guess.
Thanks for the help. Tbh I am probably not going to do any of that. I’ve been trying to live life for myself more rather than living it to impress some neurotypicals. Last year my girlfriend at the time cheated on me and I had a devastating mental breakdown after which I went to therapy. I eventually realised that I had been basing my entire self worth based on how much people liked me. This was proving detrimental to my mental health to the point where I has having episodes of dysphoria. Not like gender dysphoria but a general dysphoria about myself. We put so much pressure on neurodivirgent to change and adjust we forget just how mentally detrimental that can be. Putting pressure on myself to level up will just fuck with my mental health more. Besides, I am not a shut in. I love going out partying/drinking and I have a group of friends I go out with.
The idea isn’t to pretend to be something you’re not. Don’t do that.
The idea is that you do an activity you find interesting, that way you’re not wasting your time, and prospective partners get to know what you’re like from watching you or talking to you. From what I gather, a lot of the texting in modern dating, is because they don’t know what you’re actually like as a person. You might be a serial killer, 40 years older than your picture, or raving lunatic.
So for example, instead of using tinder, you go on a language course because that’s something you’ve always wanted to learn. You learn a language, someone in the course finds you attractive, they observe you interacting with others, you’re a bit different, but otherwise friendly and/or harmless. They talk to you during the course about something they’re not actually interested in, say homework. You get to interact a bit, without it being a date, and see if there’s chemistry. Perhaps one night you walk them to the bus or stay to clean up. Once again, not an actual date. Just getting to know if you’re relatively safe.
Worst case scenario, you learnt a language, did something you enjoyed. You didn’t waste too much time. With a bit of luck, you make a few friends/acquaintances and practice your social skills a bit. And if you’re lucky, there is chemistry, and you don’t need to do the weird post tinder match text convo. You already know each other a bit, they know you don’t like texting (or that you’re too busy) and you’re not trying to hide the fact you have a wife, so the first real date is far less awkward.
I would probably think about the things I enjoy doing by myself. Then, little by little, trying to add space for that someone to do that same thing with you. Then learning, what hobby/activity works OK, fine or even very well while socializing with someone and what doesn’t, and how much time you can actually give for someone before you get (close to) exhausting yourself. And forgetting to keep in touch through messages cos that’s not gonna work out for you but rather giving a call to that someone when you feel like meeting up, face to face.
Then it’s down to more experimenting, of what you can do, they can do, you together, how often, and if you guys become something bigger, then delve into that matter slowly. Talking is the key here, so both get chances to learn something out of yourself and the other.
I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go too far out of your comfort zone. I believe that little steps just out of that circle can train you and teach you something valuable, and going too far just gets you burned or broken down, needing lots of time to regain your energy. Choose your own pace, choose ways to try out new things and explain to that someone, how your brain works so they can decide, is it worth it to start with you. If it’s not, keep trying until someone thinks it is.
I can’t speak for the other person but it sounds like their advice is to go to places and do things where there are groups that’s related to interests of yours.
This way you encounter people who have similar interests and values as you.
Say, for example, your into disc golf or bowling. Then finding a group that does that in a team setting gives you one on one time with other people who like it. And you’re talking with them about common interests. And, after awhile, you find that it’s easier with one person who, presumably in this hypothetical, is available. So you ask them out on a date or to get coffee. Etc.
The idea isn’t to conform to expectations. It’s to put yourself in situations where natural alignments can happen towards making dates.
Cooking? Then cooking classes. Robotics? Maker spaces.
Reading? Book clubs to discuss novels.
Environmentalism? Volunteer park cleanup.
Just places where you’ll meet people who like the things you like and care about the things you like.
Yeah you got it exactly. I’m not explaining stuff well today. I think I used up all my brain at work.
Came across fine to me but text is hard on a good day
Honestly it sounds like you’re in a much better place than I was at 23! You’ve had therapy and you have a friend group. I think you’ll do ok.
Also, ugh ugh ugh on the pressure to change. I’m more than twice your age and got diagnosed this year. I spent decades thinking I was just broken and had to think and act the same as everyone else. I really wish I could tell myself, at your age, about what I’ve learned.