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The original was posted on /r/aitah by /u/Puzzleheaded-Cold760 on 2023-10-06 20:54:47.
Original post :
I know this is quick, but I am someone who always act quickly. So here is the update.
I had a much needed conversation with Max. I showed him the post, replies, advices and experiences. He looked defeated to see this.
At the core there were two issues.
- How much do I trust him?
- How do we handle finances moving forward?
He told me he was ready to sign a prenup before I even asked. If that would alleviate my worries. He said all he wants is to have everyone in the household to feel equal. To not make his kids feel resentful. To make it fair to everyone.
I understood that.
The fact is there is no way it can be made fair to everyone. If I want to give my daughter the best of everything, I should give same to his kids too. But that is not always possible even with our combined incomes.
For example if her love for riding stays, both me and her would prefer she attend a private school providing equistrian sports. Tuition for that and related costs can be availed from her trust. But we would not be able to afford to pay tuition for his kids out of our combined income. Trust is already set up and even I cannot withdraw money for their tuition. Even if I could, I would be reducing my retirement funds or my daughter’s inheritance. Same goes for car, tuition fund, and all other expenses my daughter will have covered but even with our incomes, we can’t give equally to Max’s kids.
Further, marriage is a big risk. Even with a prenup, if he takes on debt during course of marriage, I would also be liable. A lot of the comments have instilled a lot of fear in me. I am also worried about the resentment finance is going to build.
I love Max. I really do. But I love my daughter million times more. She is my life. I have to accept that her future and oppurtunities is more important to me than a marriage. Atleast for the next 9 years. (Who am I kidding, till my daughter can fully be independent)
And I cannot fault him for wanting the same for his kids. He is just being a dad. But I cannot take away from my daughter to give to his kids. I can only give equal love and care to them. Equal attention.
Financially we are just not compatible.
Long story short, I gave back my ring. Engagement and marriage is off the table for now. After all, there is no real necessity to get married. We are both sad about this turn, but the fact he did not kick up a fuss is a bit reassuring. I really do believe our companionship is just as valuable to him as to me. Just that we are also parents who wants the best for our children.
We don’t know where our relationship is going. I would still like to have him in my life. But he is also free to leave and find another person. I did not ask him to leave and he is staying for now.
I will try to keep normal stuff equal between all. Whatever I can afford to do out of my income.
My daughter is still getting a pony. Its a gift from her great grandpa, after all. I would not compromise her life and choices. My grandpa took me in for her sake. He left it all to me for her. I cannot compromise on that. And there is no need for 3 ponies. Neither of his kids know or has shown any interest in riding. If they want one after seeing my daughter with hers, we will be getting them riding lessons. And they can share. They will be getting the best birthday presents we can afford that alligns with their interests for their birthdays. If Max sticks around till then.
I will also be protecting the house and land as well. He cannot make claims on it as far as I know. But I will still be discussing it with my estate lawyer.
Thankyou for helping me see what I refused to. Love had me blind.