dont know how to feel about it tbh. i was hoping for a clean resolution one way or the other, but life is never that easy. they basically said they dont agree with what im doing (transitioning) but that they want me in their life and love me and im still their child and nothing is going to change that. which sounds kinda like what i would want them to say, but i asked if they would use she/her pronouns for me and my dad responded by asking why it matters and trying to dodge giving a straight answer, and eventually said they wouldnt. of course they had to bring GodTM into it a couple times. i said they could try or they would never see me again and i guess that had some impact because they didnt actually say they would try but i got the impression i got through to them a little. they want to talk again in a couple weeks.
i guess its progress. idk i just feel like im doing all of this wrong. this whole thing has made me feel so alone. i wish theyd have been horrible bigots it would make this easier.
I get it, I do. My own mother has said to me, “you’re getting they/them at best, cause I know what I gave birth to and it wasn’t a girl!”
So I don’t drive her to the hospital to get her ailing legs looked at. She can arrange other transport. Also she can’t climb the stairs in my townhome and has never actually been here, a comfort I wrap myself in.
Here’s to shitty parents who can’t clear a bar on the ground.
It always bothers me that Christians inherently understand that God™ didn’t intend for people with bad eyesight to suffer and that it’s not a violation of God’s Will™ to get corrective lenses or eye surgery, but for some reason, being trans is a violation of God’s Will™. The whole “God made you perfectly and exactly the way He wanted you to be” thing is happily ignored for bad eyesight, because it’s needless suffering.
If Dad doesn’t understand why it matters to use the right pronouns, then you should probably educate them by using the wrong ones for her.
“This is my dad, she’s cranky today”
I’m sorry that things aren’t going as smooth as you would like. it sucks and it is unfair you have to deal with that.
you have done very well to have that conversation with your parents. it’s a hard one to have and I am proud of you. Since they want to talk again in a few weeks, I am hopeful that they want to understand and support you.
Please take care of yourself. Stay strong, sis <3
One important thing would be to somehow get them to understand what dysphoria really is. My mom’s behaviour seemed to change when she started getting what I feel about male things in me. In my case it helped that I had been depressed for decades and now suddenly now longer was. That was quite a strong argument that I was doing something right, and it would make sense for them to support me in it. Of course YPMMV.
Anyway, let me say this as a parent: no parent wants dysphoria for their child! (Once they have understood what it is)
yeah i thought about that. i was thinking about sending them the gender dysphoria bible to read at some point.
Does that book actually adequately describe that gender is known to be a clinical thing, not something in the mind? That is, it’s immutable. You can alter your sex, but you cannot alter your gender. Some people also understand easily when I say “well, if some evil witch was to now magically change your body to [male|female] one, you’d surely do all in your power to undo that. You would feel extremely uncomfortable and you would keep feeling uncomfortable until the ailment is over. You wouldn’t want to live in the [male|female] body, you’d want your own back. And that’s how it goes with me as well, just like with you.”
The cis people I’ve talked to about this seem astonishingly able to imagine how disgusting it would feel for them to have to suddenly live in the body that has the wrong sex. Of course, being transgender is somewhat hereditary, meaning that it’s possible that one of your parents might not really relate with the “you would feel discomfort in a body of the other sex, right?” thing, because a parent of a trans person may very well be an egg.
I mean, definitely make them read the Dysphoria Bible, it will definitely not do anything bad if they do, but for what I remember of it, it’s targeted more for people who are already receptive to its message, not so much for people who might have some defense mechanisms protecting from getting the message from it. So, some emphasising of these things might be of use? (Or maybe I just remember that book a little wrong? :) )
if some evil witch was to now magically change your body to [male|female] one, you’d surely do all in your power to undo that
I’m sorry for asking, but is it safe to assume a high probability of a random person feeling this strongly about the way they’re presenting? I had this conversation with a couple of close friends and everyone was like ‘meh’ (but there’s obviously a massive selection bias there). There definitely are people who do care, but it feels like if all gender bigotry was set aside, they’d represent less than 25% of population.
There are two possible reasons why our results vary this much:
- Maybe my sample size is not large enough or maybe I am mostly having this conversation with people who are least able to understand the variety of genders. Maybe it has an effect that there are a lot of neurodivergent people in my social bubble?
- Maybe I am asking it in a way that makes the scenario feel more vivid and enables the people to kind of better imagine themselves in the situation, making them kind of shiver with the thought. It also might or might not have an effect that the person staging the scenario for them is trans, so it kind of makes the thought experiment feel more realistic?
Would you mind sending that to me, please?
Edit: is this it? https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/what-is-gender
its in the sidebar of the com, but sure
Thank you.
I’m proud of you for taking this step and handling it so well. 🫂
life’s a learning process, and that requires a lot of patience; but the person doing the learning and the person needing to be patient are not always the same person …
Oh… I feel you on this one. Honestly it’s something you have to measure. Like the impact on your overall health and dealing with your parents. I agree on this one, things are easier when not as gray.
That sounds very similar to my family’s reaction. It seems like they really do love you and value their relationship with you, but they are having trouble reconciling what their church has told them with the real people in their life.
If you and they are willing to try, there’s a chance they might come around once the get more accustomed to the idea.
I’m not sure how religious you are, but you could try to appeal to them from a religious angle if that’s important to them. A lot of churches teach bigotry, but AFAIK the bible doesn’t actually say anything about changing your gender. My mom was much warmer to the idea when she realized it doesn’t need to conflict with her faith at all.
I’m sorry you’re going through that hon
When I came out to my parents, dad said “don’t expect me to understand it, but I’ll always love you.” I think he thought that was a good thing, but shit, that hurts. And like, what’s not to get - your boy isn’t a boy, it’s not fuckin’ rocket appliances
The thing that really burns me is that I wouldn’t accept that kind of behaviour from friends or strangers. Why the fuck does our own family feel like it’s okay to deny who you are? The people who claim love, but won’t give basic respect, and somehow they make you feel like you’re the one who’s wrong.
People can react absolutely gracelessly when they’re surprised by something like that. My parents got better with time, and if yours love you then I hope they will too. Sending hugs your way
I don’t have any experience with this, but here’s my take:
From your post I get that you were hoping for full immediate acceptance and embrace of all your values/feelings. I think that’s a bit much to expect from people, especially if you know they have opposing values.
Your parents need time to really digest exactly what you told them means for your and their lives. You can help them by providing useful information and being open to conversation. Also be prepared to agree to disagree on things.
Your talk seems like a good start and from what you told, there are signs that your parents are open to what you’re saying, so I’m hopeful it’ll all work out. You just gotta give it time and effort.
Good luck!
You’re doing this exactly how you need to, and you are a good person. If they can’t commit to treating you properly by the next time you talk to them, I think you at least gave it a shot. I’m proud of you, sweetie.
💜
Edit: I agree with giving them more info if there’s a chance they’ll be open to it.
Cis-ter here agrees with this. I’d also add they’ll probably (hopefully) come around, if you give them time. As I just said recently elsewhere, primary conditioning is a hell of a drug. And however old you are is how long they’ve been unintentionally misgendering you, so that will take a little time to recondition. It sounds like they love you. I wish you the best.
On a side note, my own parent that’s still in my life makes a snide comment whenever I cut my hair short. They would certainly have a conniption if I came out as lesbian or bi, but they got over it when I became romantically involved with other races and religions, refrained from slurs until after it was over, so there’s that.
