Hi all, I’ve been thinking about this a while and to be honest I’m a bit confused about it.

I’m a cis gay(?) guy and basically I want to know, is it ok to be attracted to trans women but not cis women? I’m worried that this separation might be considered invalidating?

Also I don’t know what label to use for my own sexuality in this case, but maybe labels aren’t always straightforward or all that important

Thank you :3

  • Linda R@nord.pubEnglish
    8·
    1 month ago

    Being a socially transitioned transfem that has not begun her HRT yet, I have received some flirty attention from gay men, and there’s one point that makes me a little uneasy about it:

    It makes me feel like they see me as “male enough”. I do not want to be an attractive man. Much, much better to be an unattractive and unwanted woman than an attractive man. It’s not possible creating a connection to a person if I strongly suspect they are invalidating me in their head.

    If you see them as women – or at least as a category that is very clearly not connected with the category “men” –, then absolutely no problem. I could imagine spending an evening with a gay man, although I don’t really understand how he’s literally gay if he truly likes me as I am. But yeah, at the same time, if he’s unable to find cis women attractive, he isn’t really straight either.

    So, at least I’d need something that makes it clear I’m not being seen as a crossdressing man, because that’s not what I am. It would feel insulting to me to be seen as something else than what I am. (And of course, if someone tells me “I do not see you as a crossdressing man”, then that kind of makes me feel invalid as well, because it implies you had just been thinking I might be just that.)

    Someone who’s been long enough on HRT might be much less sensitive about this, I’d guess?

    • OmegaMouse@pawb.socialOPEnglish
      3·
      1 month ago

      Thanks for sharing your perspective :)

      It makes me feel like they see me as “male enough”. I do not want to be an attractive man. Much, much better to be an unattractive and unwanted woman than an attractive man. It’s not possible creating a connection to a person if I strongly suspect they are invalidating me in their head.

      Yes this is exactly what I want to avoid, and I’d hate to make someone feel that way. Maybe it’s best to avoid using labels in the first place. ‘Gay’ seems very limiting and it could give someone the wrong impression when I’m sometimes attracted to women.

      So, at least I’d need something that makes it clear I’m not being seen as a crossdressing man, because that’s not what I am. It would feel insulting to me to be seen as something else than what I am.

      I would never think that about a trans woman and I hope no one ever makes you feel like that!

      • Linda R@nord.pubEnglish
        5·
        1 month ago

        I would never think that about a trans woman and I hope no one ever makes you feel like that!

        Haha, the insecurity is there no matter what. The feeling of not being good enough comes from the inside. It’s super easy for me to go to an assumption spree regarding what others think about me. And my understanding is that this is fairly universal among all trans folks.

        But also: If I get a good hug and feel cared, I’m bound to forget to worry.

        • OmegaMouse@pawb.socialOPEnglish
          2·
          1 month ago

          Yeah that makes sense, and I’ve heard similar from others. Society and the whole system pressures trans folk to question themselves constantly.

          Stuff I’ve done with trans women has usually been chatting, cuddling and maybe making out so I’m hoping it makes people feel safe

          • Linda R@nord.pubEnglish
            3·
            1 month ago

            It does. It absolutely does 💛

            And all in all: at least I don’t care a flying fuck about what other women you find attractive. And there’s no reason why that would even end up being the subject of any conversation.

            Shortly put: As long as you care about the person inside the body, do go for it! :)