Wish me luck! I’m about 10bpm away from a heart attack 😭
Edit: After removing my hoodie and revealing my top, my mother gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever received from her. She complimented my jorts and belt, that was it. This sent me into a really bad dysphoric spiral. Grandma keeps misgendering me. Everyone treating me like a person feels forced. Currently crying in the bathroom. I want to die
Edit2: Mom was talking to me, asking me why I was sad. I told her, that I could never really afford the surgeries I need to pass, truly pass. She said how people get those and look funny in their 50s. She doesn’t even understand what FFS is. She told me I was a normal, pretty, young girl which should have made me feel better, but just felt forced and fake.
She told me that most trans people have 0 family support while I have full support, which is true. I just sit and whine while others have it way worse. I’m such a shitty person.
She told me I have all day every day to focus on myself, so I should get a job and distract myself. Not like I haven’t been trying. With my anxiety, even going to the store is a challenge. Leaving the house is a challenge. I don’t know how I’d manage a job.
All in all, today sucked extremely. I’m crying in the bathroom, again, but this time I cut my arm with a pair of scissors. I hate myself. I’m leaving the party now, and I’ll probably just end it when I get back. I’m such a useless existence. I want out of this world. Sorry everyone, for everything.
Nobody ever feels perfect in their own bodies, getting stuck in the feedback loop of not accepting and tweaking just ends up becoming a halting problem. When do you stop? What is good enough? I think your mom might be on to something there and just didn’t know how to say it.
The trick is to just tell yourself you look great every time you see yourself. Find something you like and ignore literally everything else, just focus on that. Eventually you start to see more that you like than what you don’t, even if nothing changes.
It’s fucking hard.
It’s so fucking hard to say I like the way this looks when I hate so much of the rest, but eventually I started to just hate less and less of what I saw.
You look great. Getting into your head just ends up putting you right back into that feedback loop so change the feedback loop and that’s all mental, not physical.