I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been struggling with an intense relationship of 7 years I lost this spring.

I had the longest most intense manic episode after. Almost got killed/put in jail, had dispassionate forced unsafe hookups. Did more drugs than I have the entire rest of my life, luckily nothing too hard but I can tell I do it to smother my feelings and I feel devastated, despair, and panic when all the bullshit starts leaving my system. I lie to everyone around me and act like I’m okay, I exhaust myself faking for everyone. Nobody seems to get how important this relationship is to me. I am either completely cold and emotionless and pretending to have emotions, and then once a month or so I cry and shriek so hard I give myself a black eye. I have a proto-deathwish and put myself in stupid scenarios and act recklessly. I have tried to date and it ends up with me feeling more lonely than I did before. I self harmed just to try teach myself a lesson to not wear my heart on my sleeve. All of my clothes are just sitting on my bed in a wad because it reminds me of her sleeping next to me. My room is a fucking mess and I only barely keep my personal hygiene acceptable.

We loved each other so much, it was the best love I have ever experienced, on par with that of my mother. But we were killing each other. I have never seen two cripplingly mentally ill people so perfectly mismatch with their bad side. I am mentally, socially, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually…just completely fucked up. Everything is fucked up. I am manifesting psychosomatic symptoms and I’m terrified of the pain making me stumble, lose whatever momentum to just get by, and rapidly deteriorating.

The few times I have tried to talk about it with others they just tell me I should seek therapy. Lol. Lmao. Rofl. Yeah let me just spend $100 per hour getting some posh hack to regurgitate Youtube-tier Hollywood self-help to me. Lmao. When someone I am close to needs desperate help, I give that shit my full love and attention, I don’t just act like they’re a nuisance that is (God forbid) causing me to have to expend emotional labor (hate that phrase).

I know this is stupid and childish but I just want to know if someone has really had their heart ripped the fuck out and turned into meatloaf, and if they managed to recover. If so. How long did it take?

Yeah idk. I was ready to give it all up. I literally prayed to God, when things were keter-tier bad, verbally emotionally mentally and occasionally physically abusive, 24/7 insanity, I prayed. I said, “fuck all my dreams, all my aspirations, my life. I don’t want any of them. I just want my girlfriend, my best friend, my mom. That is all i want. Thats all i could ever ask for. If i can have that, I will gladly die a broke nobody.” I was willing to give up rap, politics, EASY. I worked twice as much as i ever have in my entire life because she was too mentally ill to work and i wanted her to recover. I have not the foggiest idea how our apartment neighbors never called the cops on us. I lost my voice for 2 days because i ripped my vocal chords screaming with her. Broken shit… I would curl up into a ball and punch myself in the face 😂 i miss all of our jokes. They were so good. I miss cooking her dinner and sneaking in seasonings because she likes food too plain. I miss the times we healed and truly found unconditional love with each other, the times we supported each other so lovingly when the world around us was so dark. Ive never had such a chemistry with another person. When we lost our relationship it fundamentally changed how i viewed other people. I basically tried accepting my friend and my mom dying or hating me because i just…i cant take someone for granted ever again. Is everything good stripped away? Life is so cruel already, why must the good things be tainted too?