The first thing was growing a beard. For a man aged say 18-25, having a beard makes people treat you like an adult, while being clean shaven you are treated as an adolescent. No I’m not joking.

Second for me was financial independence. Even a stupid things like exiting the cellular family plan.

Third I think is hobbies. When you gain self confidence in your skill in something you love, even if it’s just hiking or metal detecting, you may care less about others opinion of you.

It’s an eternal work in progress, but the concept of neutral thinking really clicked for me. Look up “It Takes What It Takes” by Trevor Moawad. I’m still figuring out where to start on community, my social life peaked in high school never recovered. All the old civic organizations and churches seem to be dying off.

The biggest thing that helped me was art. I’ve played music most of my life, and made the decision to move out to a city with a great music scene 4 years ago where I knew nobody. It took me 3 years of exploring open mic communities and such for me to finally find the one for me. Built up an amazing friend group from there and I feel so emotionally and artistically fulfilled now! I was so lonely those first 3 years, but the second I found my people it was night and day. I think the best thing everyone can do is hone in on a hobby you love and connect with the community surrounding it if you can, sometimes the hobby can be enough too though!

I’ve realized that in my society, more or less, being human in general is worthless. Or more accurately, a person is as valuable as their latest income statement. I don’t evaluate any person this way. Therefore I refuse to evaluate myself this way.

People’s judgments are endless and contradictory. Because of this, many of us make their best effort to blend into the crowd, trying to conceal every part of themselves that doesn’t fit into the norms. I’ve always taken this to mean that I should be true to myself. This makes a lot of people angry, but that just makes it easier to tell who should I avoid.

A few years ago I started a community that has now outgrown me. I made a few close (mostly female) friends, and as an introvert that’s enough for me. I’m now more focused on strengthening those ties, keeping a door open for others who’d like to be part of my life.

In general, I try to live for my values, avoiding all ideologies, belief systems, political systems and other -isms. The more I go into this process, I’m finding my newer relationships more stable and fulfilling, even if not always easy to come by.

Mostly realizing that masculinity really is what you make of it. It doesn’t need to be aspirational and probably shouldn’t be. You are a man regardless of whether you fit anyone’s expectations of that or not and the more people you find to become friends with who accept this radical fact the more comfortable you are to express masculinity without boundaries. Being able to be fully real without pretending to like or hate anything because you are “supposed to”. Being able to express a full range of emotion without fear and talk about it occasionally. Not being held to a standard of sacrifice of the self for meaningless prizes which hold no lasting value.

Secondly - sometimes comfort is a trap. We seek comfort as a natural instinct and to have it sometimes is a good thing… But to find it and expect to live in it all the time makes your world smaller. Over time you lose the functionality that allows you to make changes and do the things that you need or want to. Pushing out little by little into the uncomfortable slowly expands the space and duration in which you can be functional and comfortable. Doing things you don’t like, make you self conscious or put you temporarily in an environment that tires you out is training your mind to be tougher and more resilient. Go without comfort sometimes, treat it as exercise or nessisary medicine. Self-care is one thing but self-coddle will make whatever you tell yourself about not being able to handle things true. It is a sedentary lifestyle of the mind. Find a medium between points of comfort and vistas of discomfort to venture into and you will find less things hold you back, more stories you will have to tell and the more life you will feel like you have lived and the more rewarding your times of comfort become.

Just help people. Volunteer, help a neighbor carry groceries, pick up garbage on the side of the road. Do them for the act of doing them without reward or recognition. Just because it needs to be done. Do it earnestly and everything else falls into place.

I don’t know about fully functional, but I think there’s 3 things I would say are key to not being miserable all the time:

• Be kind. It’s not in everyone’s nature, but the results are so rewarding. Just stop to think, is what I’m doing right now causing someone else pain or discomfort? How could I reverse that? Don’t let your bad day ruin someone else’s.

• Be purposeful. Find things to strive for. Small goals are fine, and sometimes things take a long time, but don’t lose sight of where you want to be. Dont be manipulative or treat it like a zero sum game either, your success doesn’t need to come at the cost of someone else’s. Winning with your friends is even better than winning alone.

• Be forgiving. Most importantly to yourself. Failure is not the enemy of success. Self hatred will destroy any chance you have at happiness, many of us are taught at a young age to treat our own failings as horrendous sins that we must mentally self flagellate for. This is the one of the hardest things to overcome, but every step along the way will give your mind a little more room to find peace.

I found myself in a place where I was terribly miserable, isolated, and regretful. I didn’t know it at the time but it was the gradual application of the above which helped pull me out of that place.

I feel like an adult but I don’t waste time worrying about whether I measure up to some arbitrary definition of manhood. Had a recent conversation with some friends where I said I didn’t identify very strongly with my gender and they thought I was manifesting it quite clearly. Maybe the secret is not to worry about it?

Community is something you build yourself into: ecology teaches us that the thriving individuals aren’t the strongest or the fittest, but those who make themselves fundamental for their surrounding. Find what your environment lacks and try to provide it. A community will form naturally around that in no time.
I came to this conclusion through a series of drug-induced allucinations and therapy sessions applied to what I studied at university.

Lovely friends, lively work, and having to routinely deal with people who have their shit together even less than me :).

That, plus philosophy and LSD. Though rarely at the same time

Just don’t die and get old

Getting into philosophy and ethics. Contemporary Stoicism in particular is very freeing and empowering. Theres this concept in Stoicism (and Buddhism) of “dichotomy of control” where some things can’t be controled like thoughts emerging or you dying but you can control your reaction to all of that.

Another concept from Stoicism that relates to community is the idea of “festival” which is basically being intentionally mindful of how awesome crowds are - the fact that a diverse group of people gather together for some shared activity or just to hang out is enough for you to enjoy it!

masculine is specific, do you mean as earning a muscular body, some people only feel good if they have attractive body.

“When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”

• C.S. Lewis

I got a few things that have helped me figure things out.

1. Nobody has this shit figured out. We’re all just kids with jobs and responsibilities now.

2. The only people that care about how manly another man is are other men that wanna feel superior to you. It’s okay to want to feel manly if that’s what you want, but don’t do it for someone that probably didn’t like you to begin with. Why work so hard to earn the approval of someone you don’t like?

3. Men are just as emotional as women and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can start dealing with your emotions in a healthy way.

4. Don’t try and find people that fit the very specific definition of “friend” that you have in your head. Every friendship and relationship is unique and should be appreciated for what it is instead of what it isn’t.

5. Failure doesn’t mean that you are a failure. Try and figure out why you failed instead of focusing on the fact that you did fail. You learn a lot more about yourself from your failures than your success.