• I live with my parents (both). I have job.

  • I did my share duty: I help pay family electricity/water bill, pay my brothers tution fee.

  • Currently, my salary is multiple time my living cost, so I can save more than half of my salary (no pay rent, no marry, no children)

  • My mum has a brotehr who is not financial stable. She help him (few time yearly, not one time, but yearly). She is very stress about this situation. => when she ask me and my dad to chip in, we both said nope, then ask her to give up on that money black hole. => really hurt our family relationship, because she refuse to do so.

  • That dude (my uncle) have family he has to support. If I chip in with my own salary, his children living standard will increase, they will have better future. It will cost me my spare salary (i will not able save like, 50% of my salary per month)

  • But I don’t want to waste money. That money give away is like charity that I can never get back. I don’t want to piggy back few dude on my back for years.

So, how do you think on this case.

  • intensely_human@lemm.ee
    2·
    1 year ago

    Trust your gut. If it makes you feel stronger to think of giving him money go for it. If it makes you feel weaker, don’t do it.

    Trust your feelings. The mental justifications are secondary. You’re young so your feelings aren’t developed by experience very much, but you’ve been in the world long enough to have all the information you need to know whether it’s the right move.

    And that will be reflected in a feeling, in your body, that indicates to you whether it’s the right move or not.

    It’s really important to learn how to make decisions based on this kind of thing. If you aren’t aware of your feelings they’ll still be there, subconsciously, un-felt but exerting force on your thoughts, and your mind will invisibly adjust the weights in your reasoning to match whatever the knot of unconscious feelings is driving you toward.

    Unfold the knot by learning to identify and merely experience your feelings without mental verbalizing. Many decisions can be made through the processing of this vector field of feelings.

    And being cut off from that can lead you to some really bad decisions. If you don’t know how to read your gut, practice by spending a minute or two here and there just doing nothing but sitting there still and scanning your body to note how it feels.

    • hahattpro@lemmy.worldOP
      2·
      1 year ago

      Yes I did chip in few time before. When I do, I feel like I am obligated to do so. I am submissive. They are god asking for sacrifice.

      Then they ask more.

      I refuse, my dad already told me to not chip in long ago. But when I actually stop, I feel I had broken the chain that bind me. It like, something you have to do but you don’t want to. A binding, cause by … culture propaganda (?!).

      I am drifting from collectivism to individualism.

      Now I feel my mom is a victim. She is being leeching sooo long, and still willing to be leeching.

      • intensely_human@lemm.ee
        3·
        1 year ago

        Each person is a mandala, with living information patterned in the sphere of karma around them.

        When you encounter another person, your mandala touches theirs and the patterns intermingle. They connect and form meta patterns, and these seep from the edge inward, reconfiguring the deeper layers from the outside in.

        When you clarify your karma, and define your boundaries, it will help your mother, and everyone else around you, in ways that you do not need to manage actively. Focus on your own job. Do correct things and it will expand beyond your attention. But to create better patterns you must focus on the moment and treat each little detail as important. The big picture will follow naturally from the details.

        Just each moment, hold a clean boundary.

        Her situation will absorb, adapt to, and internalize the patterns you establish for yourself.

        As a game, good boundaries are complementary. They interface best with, and incentivize the creation of, good boundaries in other people. When the boundaries are clean, relationships are easier and there is more time and energy available for producing goodness together.

        The rearrangement of a mandala looks like chaos, and there will most likely be pain and shouting. The firmer you are, the less of the drama there will be in the long run.