lemmy deleted my completely finished post right before posting so let’s try this again. I find it so annoying that I have to sugarcoat everything. I feel like I’m coddling people. I understand being polite to strangers, but it’s so annoying when my family, who knows I’m autistic, gets upset at my bluntness. I’ve explained multiple times that I’m not trying to be rude and I’m just trying to communicate in a way that works for me, but it doesn’t work. I just don’t understand why I have to say “hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? thank you:)” in some high pitched voice when I could just say, “can you not let the dogs tangle?” in a tone that conveys I’m serious. it’s so much easier when intentions are simply stated.
edit: I’m having trouble posting comments but thank you for all your responses! it’s helping me see things a bit easier, and I definitely have things I can work on now :)
another edit for clarity: my family and I have talked about my communication style. I’ve tried to find ways to meet them in the middle, as I want a compromise. they’ve been unsuccessful but I’m continuing to try. I want to be at a point where it’s not stressful and exhausting to talk to my family. this was more of just a vent post, as I was feeling really annoyed.
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Also, blunt can be rude, but it doesn’t have to be. “Can you not let the dogs tangle?” is, by itself, serious and blunt. It sounds like it’s possible that you adding additional tone on top of the words is where the disconnect happens.
Sometimes saying “hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? Thank you :)” in a normal voice IS the most blunt and efficient answer. It almost guarantees no pushback. You say it, they do it, done. You saved yourself your current frustration, AND you achieved the goal of not letting the dogs tangle, with almost no extra work.
Alternative middle ground: “Please don’t let the dogs tangle.”
I struggled with tact for a long time, but after years of trying to be conscious if it with my interactions, I feel like I’m making progress. It’s something we have to practice consciously to have any success at.
Think of it as speaking a foreign language. If you went to Spain, you would need to communicate in a way that people there understand wouldn’t you? Think of communicating with neurotypical people as being in a different country. Their language is has the same words but convey meaning differently based on tone and a bunch of other stuff.
In case of the dogs, the neurotypical communication carries information regarding how much fault you assign to that person and yourself, whose stakes are higher, what is the expected action, what are the possible consequences of not doing that and so on entirely in non-verbal format, something that we have trouble with.
The could you and thank you part is essentially communicating that you’re acknowledging (and in a way probing) that they didn’t probably commit the act out of malice or neglect and giving them room to communicate, while also indicating that they would be helping you by not letting it happen.
Now I am not great at emulating light tone or the correct expressions so I usually just say all of this explicitly in my normal tone. That seems to work mostly.
You don’t have to convey you’re serious as much as you might think. You put too much emphasis on being serious (or whatever emotion), it’s heavy handed. It’s like jerking the steering wheel when you can gently glide it. No one wants to be in a car with someone who is being a jerk (or jerking the steering wheel too hard if you get the metaphor). You might not realize that you are being a jerk, but that 100% doesn’t mean that you aren’t. If you want the people in your life to stay in your life you’re gonna have to meet them halfway. I’m not saying that they are right or giving them a pass. But you can only control yourself and at some point you gotta realize it’s you as much as it is them. It’s not binary.
When I was younger, I used to fall into this pit-trap myself. The big problem is language and communication just don’t work like you’d want it to.
What you intended don’t really matter, it’s all about other people’s interpretations of your intentions. So when you say:
“can you not let the dogs tangle?”
Your bluntness leaves an uncertainty in their interpretation of your intentions, which they will fill in with your serious tone as being minorly aggressive and accusatory. Naturally they will take offense at that.
Those platitudes exist to eliminate that uncertainty, to make sure that their interpretation of your intentions matches more closely to what they actually are. It works great for neurotypical folks as most of them have a natural intuition using these platitudes (or not using them to cause offence.).
We have to do much more to learn what those folks grasp naturally, and it can be a source of stress. It’s part of what causes my social anxiety, as even now I’m not particularly great at reading the cues neurotypical folks give off, so I struggle to come up with a timely response.
I just try to remember to preceded or follow anything I say with please.
“Please don’t let the dogs tangle.”
“Can you not let the dogs tangle?” sounds like you’re telling people what to do. Normies typically get offended by that because they wanna feel like it’s for them. If you rephrase it to sound like they’re doing it for you they may be more receptive. “I’m worried the dogs might get hurt, would you stop them from tangling?”
Can you not? Is rude as it expects the worst, and is a form of language used to admonish rather than request something or.
Don’t let them tangle. Thanks. Is better and telling someone directly.
I just don’t understand why I have to say “hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? thank you:)” in some high pitched voice when I could just say, “can you not let the dogs tangle?” in a tone that conveys I’m serious. it’s so much easier when intentions are simply stated.
I think part of your problem actually starts even earlier, because it exists in both examples. You use you-statements. Neurotypicals hate these and feel directly accused of something. So softening the you-statement helps.
If it makes sense to you and comes more easy you can try something that is also taught to neurotypicals who look into learning about communication: Avoid you-statements and instead use I-statements that are about you and the situation, not them and the situation.
There are a lot of resources about that on the internet (because as said, even the Neurotypicals need to learn about that) but here’s one example where they explain the difference and how it’s perceivedBut here you’d instead say “I don’t like when the dogs tangle”. Neurotypicals will see a problem that needs to be solved and go like “hey, I can help” instead of becoming defensive about the perceived accusation that they did something wrong. It’s not a guarantee that it works but studies show a lot higher acceptance for I-statements.
I think my first reply deleted, but that makes so so much sense. I learned about that in communication class and completely forgot. for me, i like you statements because they have clear intentions and instructions, but I need to try and remember that most people don’t see it that way
I’m just trying to communicate in a way that works for me
Maybe try communicating in a way that works for them? This isn’t autism, it’s narcissism.
Except absolutely nobody is going to return the favour. Everyone communicates in the way they know how and comes in a more natural way to them. You just expect OP to neither eat or have the cake.
No they don’t. Autistic people maybe. Neurotypicals will modify their speech patterns to be better understood by the person they’re talking to.
That’s the most abelist answer in this thread so far.
“Maybe if your wheelchair is bothering them, try walking”Analogy works, though.
“This place isn’t wheelchair accessible but I need to go there”
“Can you walk? Do that.”
If OP is low functioning enough that that’s not a possibility, then other options can be explored. Or to return to the analogy, if he’s totally paraplegic, then other options can be explored.
I felt so extremely frustrated when a friend made a huge deal of how “I thought I was always right and nobody else counted”. Okay, fair enough, but explain further since that doesn’t sound nothing like me. I had taken his opinion into consideration and changed my mind tons of times.
Turns out I had to precceed any statement about politics with wich he didn’t agree with “in my opinion” or something like that. Every. Single. Time.
It’s especially frustrating as it’s completely meaningless. Of course it’s my opinion and not someone else’s. Of course I believe it’s probably right, otherwise it wouldn’t be my current view on the topic.
I think the important thing is that everyone feels they’re being treated respectfully. Both you and your family.
Maybe you can make a deal with them where you genuinely make an effort to be less blunt, but when the bluntness does come through, they’ll be more understanding that that you simply communicate differently in return. This doesn’t have to be so transactional either — if you just ask them to talk about how there’s some miscommunication and how you really want to fix it, I’m sure they’ll listen. Good luck!
I hope they see that I usually try to cover my bluntness, it just comes out in times of stress and then people get upset and then there’s even more stress. and it’s really tiring always covering it. when I talked to them about it, my sister at least listened, and we’re working on finding what’s best for both of us, so a compromise IS possible. everyone older than 20 in my family just refuses to change lmao
people interpret tone as emotion, where a more serious tone conveys that you might be mad about something they think (true or not) they are not at fault for; a playful tone makes that “load” lighter and doesn’t sound as “accusing” (for lack of a better word).
it’s just a byproduct of language and culture that can be as difficult to overcome as it can be understood. lots of things could be easier if everyone changed, but when’s the last time everyone agreed on something?
(at least this is what I’ve come to understand)
edit: also!! comments like “you are not responsible for others” are only half-true. while you shouldn’t be bearing the weight of others, you can’t ignore it completely! people come to expect a certain level of comradery when close to them. if you act without care to others, they will become distanced since they may not see you caring for their mental/emotional well-being (as one should, including you and I!).
a certain amount of care is required to keep eachother comfortable, this amount can vary and requires experimentation if you’re not already accustomed. it’ll be scary but it’s the best way forward (in my option)
I definitely want to communicate in a way everyone likes. since I can’t control how my words are perceived, i try really hard usually to fit other people’s standards. I don’t want to make communication hard for others like people make if for me. and I don’t want to upset anyone. but then when i ignore how i want to communicate, when im stressed all the bluntness comes out in full force. I really hope we can find a good group compromise, cause I don’t want people to be offended or me to be exausted.
learning to use tone correctly and actively thinking about it (as opposed to passively using it like others do) can definitely be tiring since it’s basically an exercise to your mind. the only way to get to the “passive use” state is to do it until it doesn’t get tiring anymore.
however, the stressed->blunt part does sounds like a normal response, since that tone seems to convey your emotions at that time. if you’re feeling stressed alot for this to be common, i would also try to manage stress better, like cutting up tasks into easily manageable parts (but don’t cut them too small, as that can make them unmanageable and hard to keep track of!) and giving yourself time to destress by doing things you like to do (video games, shows, videos, music, … hobbies in general, …), but also don’t overdo it and leave you actual responsibilities behind
(remember that this comment, like most here, comes from experience, not study so might not work for you or need tweaking)
It sounds like your family does not love you. People who love you as a fellow human will accept your tone.
