Based on this, I might have more specific follow-up questions. Please be kind with me as this program just started, and we are all really just trying to create friend groups as efficiently as possible and have good intentions, before everyone gets set in their ways so to speak. Thank you!
EDIT: One of the guys (Bob) suggested that we create a group text (aka chat). So I made one, including 5 of my guy friends but excluding 2 girls that I was closer to before and want to now distance from (obviously didn’t state this explicitly as we have to be “PC”, but the context is she kept spamming/complaining in our girls’ chat, is very phony, and once lied to me after this chat was formed, which they know nothing about as she puts on a facade for them). Bob and one of the other guys (Ed), are friends with one of the girls (Ann), so they were unhappy but ultimately went along with it. Then 2 other guys got added to the chat. After a week or so, 2 of my closest guy friends in this chat (one of which I’m starting to develop feelings for) asked me about those girls I used to hang out with and that we should add more girls to our chat. I said there’s no drama; I just spent more time with them in the past before I had a chance to branch out and meet new people which I always like to do. I’m unsure if they feel this way specifically because of Bob/Ed wanting Ann to join, or since nearly all of the single guys were competing for my attention at some point and giving me somewhat romantic signals. I’m generally friendly so guys sometimes can’t tell if I like them romantically or am just being “nice”. I’ve been cautious about liking the guys’ messages and haven’t even really done so but I do actively respond when they initiate topics. We left it at: we’ll brainstorm which girls to add. This was before I started liking him, so he said he wanted to add a girl that he thinks he likes but not yet. He didn’t update back, possibly as we’ve recently started seeing each other differently as well.
Recently, I got pulled into a get-together with Bob/Ed where they didn’t tell me who was coming so I basically went in blindly, and Ann was behaving like the host. A few other guys from our group were there but not my closest friends, weirdly enough. It was very uncomfortable, and I had to act like it was fine. To make things weirder, Bob made a group text with only those who attended this event, asking everyone to text when they got home (we drank a lot but I think this was a silly excuse to form a new group chat where she’s the center of attention). I was unhappy and don’t know if I should confide in the guy I like about all of this. Idk how much he knows, or how close he really is to these other guys. A lot of politics. Then, someone who’s good friends with the one I like asked in the chat to meet today, and we 3 all went, along with Ed and a guy who was at the weird event. I feel like Ed and that guy are always colluding to bring Ann in, disregarding how I feel and my preferences - even if they don’t know the actual reasons.
Wasn’t it inappropriate for them to basically play me like that and not just tell me upfront about Ann? And create a stupid group text, which she has continued to blow up? Should I talk to the guy I like about all of this, or I’m afraid he’ll think it’s too much drama? Should I explain about her complaints/lies, or just be PC and ignore the new chat? Shouldn’t they respect my preferences instead of pressuring me to add a girl because what is so wrong with enjoying a chat with the bros (even if one isn’t seen as platonic now)? Or should I just add a different girl I like better, even if it risks getting awkward (e.g. she judges me for talking to so many guys or they don’t gel)? Or should I disengage from this group and be polite from a distance? I don’t know how to salvage this. I want to be friends and stay professional overall, while tapping into potential with the guy I like, but I don’t know if it’s time for me to just distance myself. He also hasn’t really initiated private texts with me nor asked me to spend time one on one, and I fear the group text prevents this. Please help me out, all!
this sounds like high school.
That’s Tammy, Trey’s ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn’t like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
What did I just walk into?
Okay Dee so that’s Tammy, Trey’s ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn’t like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
You’re just asking if it’s okay for you to be in a professional group chat with other professionals? Yes. What’s your follow up question?
Please see updates in the post. I would really appreciate your advice here!
It seems absolutely exhausting to live inside your head.
If you’re in your teens, I get it, you’re still developing, you’ll get over it… But if you’re an adult… Oh boy… Please talk to a therapist about all this, you need to vent.
I’ll be honest, this is confusing as hell, so I might be misunderstanding.
I think it’s a little hypocritical that you want it to be a chill, no drama space with the bros, but you also want to exclude a girl because you see her as competition for the guy you like who is in this group.
I understand you had a bad experience with her, but you said that the guys don’t know that. From their perspective, you’re just excluding other girls for no other reasons than seemingly to be the only girl in the group and perhaps to have exclusive access to your crush.
I know it’s confusing but I feel the need to clarify after reading your comment. Thank you for sharing first of all. It was not that I wanted to exclude her due to competition over him. In fact, I asked him enthusiastically wanting to know who he liked at that time, and therefore who he was considering bringing in. We were basically bros at that point and I hadn’t thought of him that way at all. He didn’t want to speak too soon and said he’ll see how things unfold. I actually figured it out later on, when she was flirting with one of the guys from our group, and vice versa. He saw all of this and looked pretty bummed. So I would be a hypocrite if I expected drama free space with the bros yet actively instigated drama, which I do not believe I am? Just trying to understand, based on the definition of hypocrisy.
So, should I tell them the truth? Or at least the one I like? I did mention that I spent more time with them in the past before I had a chance to branch out more and meet new people which is what I always like to do.
If you don’t mind me asking, why don’t you like this other girl? Was she mean to you?
There are two girls. One is the mystery girl he said he thinks he likes. She’s not as important in this context. Ann, the girl I was closer to in the beginning, is the one that I have an issue with now. She got too comfortable and started spewing negativity in the group text we share with this other female friend of ours (not mentioned in post). She complained a lot so I responded less and less. She always tried to get our mutual friend to listen to her and actively went against my suggestions because she herself is so insecure. She said hi from behind me but I didn’t see who she was with (it was Bob/Ed and she didn’t bother to even clue me in, knowing I would’ve wanted to say hi). She never sits with the guys when I initiate it, but always likes to sit with them when she herself brings them together. After I created this chat, which by the way was so spontaneous and based on the guys I was sitting with (which I thought she was going to join us too), she then lied about sitting with our mutual friend in a class whereas that did not happen. So I think that’s enough strikes and it doesn’t mean crap if we happened to spend a bit of time before even officially starting the program.
If you formed this chat clique you have to lead it and not be coy about it. If I were you I would talk privately with Ann and tell her not to spew the negativity. She could possibly have a blog type “quarantine room” for venting. But you should put your best foot forward and present a friendly space. Stick to your guns about that and people who don’t want that will self select out. When Ann is ranting you’ll look chill in comparison and maybe you can talk to her about who you both want to flirt with. You made a colleague chat, you have to, err, chat with your colleagues.
Yeah, I’m not going to read all that.
It’s only weird if it’s weird. Anyone making it weird?
I would certainly say so. I’ve added more context above and my head gets jumbled when I meet with the guys. I do feel this awkwardness stemming from how the group text started, and pressure to add a girl, and that we’re all just trying to make it work. But I’m not sure if it’s just me reading too much into it or my romantic feelings getting in the way? What should I do, and should I explain the behind the scenes context or will that make things worse?
I’m reading the update and, according to these details, every single person involved including yourself is making it weird and you all seem to want the group to not be comprised the way it currently is. That the group is eight men and one woman isn’t the problem, the problem is you all as individuals seem make for a bad group.
Thank you so much. I agree and it’s just that we have to be on good terms with one another in this program and be nice on the surface even if maybe we don’t like certain people. Question now is what should I, and we collectively as a group, do? If you can share insight on my questions in the post specifically regarding next steps, it will be so helpful.
Given how it started,
One of the guys (Bob) suggested that we create a group text
and how it continued,
Bob made a group text with only those who attended this event, asking everyone to text when they got home
the stakes of any course of action feel pretty low. These groups Bob’s setting up feel pretty much like they were done on a whim from the start so I wouldn’t overthink how to participate in them. Invite more members if that would make you more comfortable, disengage if that would make you more comfortable, and trust that other members will eventually do what makes them comfortable in turn until you all find equilibrium.
On a work application like Slack? Not a big deal.
Personal cellphone group message? Not immediately weird - but could get weird.
Any advice or suggestions on how to handle this situation? It is getting increasingly weirder and I want to do what I can to salvage it or at least not be distracted by all this.
I’ve worked in a place that was all guys until we got our maybe eight team member. We got two more women shortly after that. This was more than a decade ago and we were always a pretty tight group but we didn’t have a chat platform we could use at the time. I don’t think there’s anything weird about doing what’s normal with and just trying to be pals.
Don’t take any shit like misogynistic humor. Shut it down the first time it happens to establish boundaries cause it’ll be harder to reign in when it’s a habit. Good luck!
I agree, thank you for sharing!
My eyes glazed over before I finished the first paragraph
I want to be friends and stay professional overall, while tapping into potential with the guy I like
These things are not really compatible. The sooner you learn that, you will have a lot less workplace drama. Your professional workplace should not be a dating pool. There is no reason to exclude the other women. Who cares if one of them lied? Are you the moral police? Just chill, and let people do what they want. You don’t need to control the situation.
Thank you for sharing. Does that change at all if we are not currently at a workplace as in a company, but it is still a professional career-oriented program? I’m really not sure where else I am supposed to find a partner if not at a place where everyone is around the same age and well-rounded, especially when there’s this time constraint. Dating is difficult!
I guess I don’t understand this “professional career oriented program.” Is it like a grad school? Is there a good chance all or some of you will end up working with each other at the same employer later? There should be lots of other places to find a partner. You must have some kind of social life outside of this program, right?
Dating is hard, but breaking up in a mutual way where both people can still respect each other is even harder. Imagine the drama there will be after you’ve dated a few people from this group. People in the program may take you less seriously because they think you’re just there to find dates. But this is your career. Shouldn’t you take it seriously?
If you really want to date someone there, you can, if you’re smart about it (and make sure it’s worth the risk, not just for any passing crush). But don’t try to manipulate the whole group in order to do that. Don’t use the chats to try to get close to someone. Do any non-professional stuff outside of the program, away from the others. Don’t bring your relationship drama into the program, especially if the relationship ends. Think of all these rules as practice for how you will need to act professionally in your future career. That’s what this program is for, isn’t it?
With just the information provided, not weird at all. Good luck with your program 🙂.
Thank you so much! I’m afraid the updates might change your take? It’s a personal group text with all of them, and it’s getting weird. I don’t know how to salvage this. I want to be friends and stay professional overall, while tapping into potential with the guy I like, but then again I don’t know if it’s time for me to just distance myself from the group. He also doesn’t really text me individually and hasn’t asked me to spend time one on one, so I fear the group text prevents this.
You were added to a group chat that was described to you as a way to make sure everyone got home safe. If you didn’t want to be a part of it, you could have easily waited until everyone checked in, expressed your happiness that everyone was safe and removed yourself from the chat. If you didn’t want another group forming without you being able to keep tabs, that obviously wouldn’t work. So I have to wonder about your motivations when you don’t take the easy and obvious way out.
